Monday, December 15, 2008

It's all pretend

inside I am nothing. Or maybe it's not. Maybe the smiles and laughs are real at the time. I'm just left with the alone, the sunburn, the tears, the emptiness inside. My chest aches. This is really really hard and I don't know what I'm meant to do since I'm going away tomorrow for a month without friends and just an hour ago I was looking forward to it.. but now I don't know. I know that it's always so hard and I'm sick of it. I want to go home. I want to feel not alone. I want a rock of a person to care and make it all go away and love.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


6 days until HSC subject results
7 days until UAI

The waiting is agonising. I don't know what I am going to do if/when I don't achieve high enough results to satisfy myself. There's nothing I can do now but wait.
Puck you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

You are not alone

"...the closer they get, the more they injure each other..."

I watched the Evangelion movie as part of this Japanese Film Festival at George Street cinemas. I love Evangelion! The height of my obsession peaked 4 years ago, in year 8, but I feel like getting into it again.

It was the Evangelion 1.0 You are not alone film

"It is the first of four films released in the Rebuild of Evangelion tetralogy based on the original anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion. It was produced and co-distributed by Anno's Studio Khara.

The plot is largely a point-for-point adaptation of episodes 1 through 6 of the original Evangelion series. While some scenes and events are replications of the original series, others unfold differently with new or omitted scenes and newly-available 3D CG technology.

After the end credits, a trailer for the next film, Evangelion: 2.0 You Can (Not) Advance, was shown." (

I thought the animation was beautiful,and I loved the explanations, the tiny added bits, the art details! And of course I love the story. Not just mecha robots fighting awesomely evil and mysterious angels, but the human plotline. People think Shinji is a wuss with his constant angst ("I am nothing...nobody wants me... I don't want to live...I am alone"), that Rei is weird for being so alone (she says "I have nothing else" other than piloting the eva and pleasing Gendo.) But I understand how Shinji feels - it is what I feel.

I definitely accredit this to Hideaki Anno, director of Neon Genesis Evangelion, who suffered depression. According to Wiki - "Many believe that Anno's four-year period of depression was the main source for many of the psychological elements of the series and its characters, as he wrote down on paper many of the trials and tribulations of his condition."

Ritsuko: Well, I would guess that Shinji isn't exactly the sort of person who makes friends easily. Do you know the fable the "Hedgehogs' dilemma"?
Misato: Hedgehog? You mean those animals with the spiny hair?
Ritsuko: Even though a hedgehog may want to become close with another hedgehog, the closer they get, the more they injure each other with their spines. It's the same with some humans. The reason he seems so withdrawn, is because he's afraid of being hurt.
Misato: Well, he's just, going to have to learn, someday, that part of growing up means, finding a way to interact with others, without distancing pain.

Monday, December 8, 2008

I am not ok

I am alone. This is stupid. I want it to end. I am so sick of this life. I am sick of trying. A nondepressed, skinnier person is always going to be more attractive, better liked, better appreciated, accepted as a best friend, and won't lose their best friends like I do. It's not fair. I am kind of smart and I have really good taste and aesthetics and I try real hard and I care so much and I look real nice too if I try to and then it just doesn't matter and I have a headache. I have no one.

Friday, December 5, 2008

I am so angry

I need to slowly get rid of the bitterness because it's doing me no good. The more I hurt over things past, the more I, alone, suffer.


Feeling good right now, but then of course the inevitable thought has to pop up - how long is it going to last? What will it feel like when I swing back down?

It's funny that depression never seems so temporary, its only the happiness that fades.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

It's not fair

I hate my parents. I don't want to go and see them. And then I have to feel guilty. I wish I was a testube child in the World State, where mother, father and family are "smut." It feels like smut to me. I hate my parents. Both of them. They always let me down. I hate my life. I hate the people who leave me.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The house is a mess,

as is my life. Two weeks worth of dishes in the sink. Mould growing in the kitchen. I just ignore it, can't deal with it yet. Tonight I am taking my pills dissolved in water from a soy sauce mini dish thing because there are no more cups or glasses left.

On a side note, I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY REPLACED LIBBY KENNEDY (KYM VALENTINE) ON NEIGHBOURS WITH MICHALA BANAS FROM MCLEOD'S DAUGHTERS, it is so incredibly unsubtle and weird to hear people calling her Libby. Apparently it's only for a month or so while Valentine recovers from pneumonia, but honestly, they should have just written her out of the script for that month....


Watching House M.D. now, and during the ad breaks reading articles about Hugh Laurie's "mild clinical depression"

"The production team in Los Angeles are acutely aware they are dealing with a brooding genius with a highly developed penchant for misanthropy. Katie Jacobs, the executive producer of House, told an interviewer last month: “Every day at about four or five o’clock, Hugh’s sitting on the kerb completely despondent. He’s miserable no matter what he does. Never thinks he’s good enough, never thinks he’s got it right.”

The actor, who turned 46 yesterday, is aware that his self-criticism is extreme, but he cannot restrain it. “It’s true of all of my life,” he said recently. “I wish I could silence that part of my brain. Or remove it.”

His discontent is increased by the distance between Los Angeles, which resembles “a giant petrol station” to his eye, and his family in London: Jo Green, his wife of 16 years, and their children, Charlie, Bill and Rebecca. He worked out that even if they all went to America to stay with him, they would only see him for an hour or so a week, so merciless is his shooting schedule. "

How lonely he must be!

"He recognised his pessimism as clinical depression in 1996 and sought help from a psychotherapist. “I was in the middle of a stockcar race for charity, with cars exploding and turning over when it suddenly hit me: I was bored. I thought this can’t be right. I diagnosed myself and decided I would try to sort it out.”

I get that feeling too. The impossibility of being entirely absorbed or thrilled by the moment, always feeling depressed or the feeling that I can't decide if it is better or worse - numbness.

Hugh Laurie says he won't take pills. But I will. I am going to take mine now.
I need to call the psychology clinic. But I can't right now and no one can help me or will, even if they say they do, they just don't. I need to remember words are just words. They are empty. I need to stop trusting people.

"I'm amazed at you, the things you say that you don't do..."

Saturday, November 22, 2008

It's amazing when you really listen to a song for the first time

a&e by Goldfrapp
I don't know how many times I've listened mindlessly to this song, put Goldfrapp on while surfing the internet, but for some reason I decided to listen, and to look up the lyrics. Now this officially becomes my favourite song in quite a while.

I love the lines:
-it's a blue, bright blue saturday and the pain has started to slip away
-think i want you still but it may be pills at work
-i was feeling lonely, feeling blue, feeling like i needed you, like i hoped you'd call i hoped you'd see me

and the best line of all:
-i'm amazed at you the things you say that you don't do, why don't you ring?

A&E lyrics

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
Think I want you still
But there may be pills at work

Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?
I was trying to phone you as I'm crawling out the door
I'm amazed at you, the things you say and that you don't do
Why don't you ring?

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I'm walking up surrounded by me

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
They gotta watch you still
But there may be pills at work

How did I get to accident and emergency?
All I wanted was you to take me out high
And I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me

I was afraid to be alone, but now I'm scared that's how I'd like to be

It doesn't even feel like a choice anymore.
This song is rather fitting....except why do they always have to put the optimistic bit in the end? I don't know if i can or want to give this one more shot, to find it in myself.

by Azure Ray

So I'm waiting for this test to end
So these lighter days can soon begin
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly
I was afraid to be alone
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be
All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities
So many lifeless empty hands
So many hearts in great demand
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain
But I turn them off and tuck them away
'till these rainy days that make them stay
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday
And I dont think they'll ever go away
Just like thinking of your childhood home
But we cant go back we're on our own
But i'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself
So were speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you're not here
And i think I'll want to be alone
So please understand if I dont answer the phone
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
Until I can see nothing at all
Only particles some fast some slow
All my eyes can see is all I know
But I'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself

Friday, November 21, 2008

depression, loneliness, golly gosh that's my whole freaking life

i am nothing more
i hate it
i hate being so alone
i hate the hurt
i want it to go away
it's just so tiring to think that every day is the same pain, the same ache, the same disease
i just wish i could die
i just wish i could be somebody else
i can't stand it anymore i can't live this mess anymore i can't deal with what has happened and i can't sit by idly i can't watch i can't pick up the pieces

Thursday, November 20, 2008

a waste of a day

In bed. Out of bed to make peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Or grab peanuts. Haven't taken meds in a few days, can't really remember. In bed most of the day.

What can I say? I'm depressed again.

I was stupid to get my hopes up about anything more. About getting what I want, about things going back to the way they were, and of thinking my momentary bouts of happiness could last. I hate my life. And I hate the peanut crumbs stuck in my teeth because I've just been eating peanuts.

I am depressed. I am depressed. There is no one to help me. No one is going to call me. No one is going to take me out. No one is going to care. The people who know are living their own lives and just don't care that much. The people who don't know are doing the same. I don't know why I'm supposed to live a life so alone, so uncared about and so empty, painful, long, weary.

i just want to be ok

i just want to feel something today

this song is just a tad too happy for the mood i'm in, but what the heck...

formal last night was better than i expected, even seeing the less than perfect pictures of me didn't really upset me

and it was rather strange

-we all discovered a girl in our grade is now a lesbian (she brought another girl, and her facebook status confirms it is a relationship!)
-E's hair extensions fell out..onto the floor.. the rest had to be pulled out and shoved into her clutch...according to L, that mean girl, E also had wonky fake eyelashes lol, but anyhow, E was so hot!!! so seductive, so beautiful!!!
-someone bought this guy date with like really weird asian dreadlocks
-a lot of guys wore bow ties! which was so cute
-i don't think i judged people much, i'm so happy, i mean i would look at people and think hideous dress, but i bore no ill will and i don't even remember looking at a lot of people's dresses or how good they looked - hooray for the waning of my superficiality!

Written by Ingrid Michaelson

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok


Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

i don't know

life is life
my formal is tomorrow
not looking forward to it but not totally not wanting to go like i felt yesterday
just slightly stressed about looking the best... competition... being judged by everyone else there

life is life is i don't know
people are confusing
i care too much
in negative ways
they don't care much


life is so superficial
so much of it is just surface deep
so much is based on the way people look
i'm scared of growing up, growing older, relationships, work, uni, all of it

my feet hurt from walking in high heels
but i like the way they make my legs look

have been constantly feeling a sense of discontent of boredom of just not being able to be engrossed in anything, just a niggling feeling all the time... i don't like it... lack concentration span to read or watch movies even! i can't believe there is not one book in the whole world, not one classic or new novel, considering how great literature is and how much i used to love reading, that i want to read

on the bus i just stare into space, because opening the book in my bag takes so much effort

Sunday, November 16, 2008

my chest hurts and my hands are shaking and i cant stop crying
i just feel so empty and paralysed and worthless
i feel horrible
and alone
ican't keep doing this
i can't
i can't deal with this life
i can't i hate it
i hate the memories
i hate knowing what i thought i had and how they were such horrible friends and they still make me feel bad today
i hate being me
my brain
the headache
staying in bed all day
it is unbearable
and nobody i know cares
they just don't care
they won't help me
they won't listen
they won't be there
they leave me all alone to drown

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

i am depressed and useless and braindead and depressed
I am really worried that every single person in the world hates me or they just don't like me or they just don't care at all one bit. I miss being a child and unaware of nobody caring about me. I hate this feeling. I want to go home and I don't have one.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

They make it seem so bloody glamorous...

Watching Gossip Girl has become my new obsession/pastime/thing that makes the hours go by... yes I am having such a wonderful, productive, enjoyable life post-HSC....

And Eric Van Der Woodsen, Serena Van Der Woodsen's little brother has a minor plot line as a troubled teen staying at "The Ostraf Centre" for alcoholics/drug addicts/ mentally ill adolescents after he attempted suicide, apparently by slashing at his wrists, because he was morbidly depressed or something...

Of course the Van Der Woodsen's are incredibly rich, and his first return into their society of WASPs involves a romantic connection with a girl who is moved/sympathetic about his problems when he confides in her.....
"It's a long story"
"I've got time"
"It's pretty dark"
"I can handle it"

We see a dramatic scene where he brandishes the scars on his wrists at Blair, and coolly utters a glib one liner.

We see the pretty girl visit him at his rehab/hospital place, and the beginnings of something...

Because of course most people do find depression something that moves them to care about people, right? They are drawn closer, not repulsed, right?

Even Serena leaving the dramatic scene where she was just publicly outed, even though it wasn't true, by Blair as being at the Ostraf Centre for a non-existent drug addiction, storming out and crying, is stopped by the guy that just broke things off with her with a pleasant/ humorous yet oh so sincere offer of ever "talking" or just "not talking" together if she needed someone..... like Bloody Hell, why is it that the bloody opposite is what happens in real life, that people just feel like they are divorced of you and don't need to help or care... even when you need them too.

It's not like i'm mad, I mean I do like Gossip Girl for the outfits, the romantic dramas, and all the dramatic "teenage issues" of which attempted suicide makes a token cameo.... I don't know why I feel like writing this. I guess I wish that I could be recovering, which is stupid because I'm not taking the steps. I'm not taking the pills, which are right next to me now on my bedside table, I'm not picking up the phone and calling to book an appointment. I feel a bit incapable and useless and incapacitated right now. I was meant to do something today but I couldn't really get up the motivation to get up, get dressed and leave the house.

I wish that there would be friends there who I could talk to about this and who would care more and not less. And I wouldn't have to be scared of driving them away if they knew the real me.

I kind of wish there was a glamour to my situation, but there isn't. I hate constantly comparing myself to everyone else I ever meet or hear of, and coming out inferior. I hate that no one cares enough to ask me how I am, that none of my friends ever calls me. I hate being this person and this whole thing is pathetic including this stupid post argjhlkld/;la/we:Lka;j

Monday, November 10, 2008

you will always be the bitter, saddest part of me

It doesn't make me feel good to listen to these songs which are me , but I can't not, I can't just listen to inane happy music..



The way in which I fear is only a reflection of you
The devastating child of the powertrip you forced me through
But how could he leave you
Could he f**k that hard
He left you
Forget revenge

And by all means ask your nine year old daughter to choose between you
Don't stay friends
Now littering on how he's the devil
He's just been falsely portrayed
But force her to go stay at his house once a week
Because you wanna get laid

Ask me why he scares me
Do you wanna know why I'm angry?
Can't you tell I'm crying?
Mother I don't feel good

You will always be the bitter saddest part of me

Your girl's in the bathroom washing her hands again
Why doesn't she eat?
Her father left us
What about me?
I can't rest
I can't sleep

Mommy loves you
I'm just tired of you and your other shit
And I didn't mean to hit you
But you were asking for it

Ask she scared me
Do you wanna know I'm angry?
Can't you tell I'm crying?
Mother I don't feel good

You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me
You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me

You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me
You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me
You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me
You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me

Sunday, November 9, 2008

don't know how i am going to survive until december 17

- if i don't get .9 or above, i'm killing myself

its as simple as that
and yet i feel like a wiener because i've never been brave enough to do it in the past

at the very least
if i don't get .9 or above i'm going to the bloody gap and going to have a think about life

god i'm pathetic
if i'd worked harder i could've been the .95
i'm a failure
i was so close
and i screwed things up

i can't decide if life stinks or it is ok...

gosh well atleast more optimistic than usual when i am sure it just stinks ok!
Today I went to continue the long torturous saga that is formal shopping. I hate formals. I hated the year 10 formal. Even though it was probably one of the most photogenic times of my life, and I purportedly like fashion etc, there is just so much bloody pressure at the formal with 101 other girls, to be the best looking/ best dress/ prettiest face girl there! Especially when there are people i just HAVE to look better than or i will DIE i will IMPALE MYSELF on my heels if they look better than me....

3 dresses on hold for me at David Jones, can't decide which one. I went to every single Aust designer flagship store in CBD ie The Strand, Paddington, Surry Hills, I went to the apparently vintage mecca Grandma Takes a Trip which is so not crash hot, so don't trust Nicole Kidman's reccomendations, I went bloody everywhere, and its still between the three at DJs.

So much pressure to choose the right one!!!!! And shoes good god, all the ones I want = $1000+++ so I guess I'm going to have to emotionally blackmail daddy.....

And clutch GOOD COD hehe that was a typo but I'm leaving it - ok I can not justify spending another $1000 on that, even though they are all ridiculously overpriced...

I guess I'm gonna have to keep shopping, I still haven't done Double Bay, and hope to stumble across shoe and bag sales???

MOVING ON, went to the Newtown Festival today
and while there, had one of those rare moments of feeling okay, what with the kids blowing bubbles, artsy/dreadlocksy/greeny/gay newtown type people all around, gourmet pizza, and a really great female singer who they just had to replace with some crazy guy in his underwear.....

and then its just wild oscillations into feeling shit

i fucking hate this fucking disease
i fucking hate that every minute i'm not living things, i'm worrying about what's next, that i want to fucking cry on the fucking train because i start thinking about things

i just don't want to live this life and i don't know if i can keep doing it all alone

i haven't been taking my meds, which is stupid i know, but it's like, i just don't care
i haven't organised psycho-person appointments post HSC
i can't be bothered i don't care
i hate this
i hate me
it is such hell and now i can just tell it's going to be one of those nights again

Friday, November 7, 2008

Just to break things up a bit....

because of course the effervescent, explosive, all-encompassing exuberant joy that my blog radiates might get a bit too much at times, and might annoy people who aren't always as happy as I am. So here's one of those thing that I think is really cool.
I think I'm going to try and spell out a sentence in the images that pop up on the first page of a google image search.That is, each word is an image. And I'll feel a great connection to humanity because of this, seeing other people's random pictures expressing what i feel...right... but the exciting bit is you can try and guess what I am saying!
(God, I am delusional today, not realising that the only people who read this are people looking for that song they heard on the Volkswagen ad......)


GEORGe clooney is reportedly dating krista allen again, who i'd never heard of but he dated her a few years ago or something and now their love has reblossomed
its not faaiiiir
he should be dating meeeeeee

its not fair
life is worthless
im never going to meet george clooney
i hate life
i have a headache
i hate life
i hate life
i hate myself
i don't want to sleep
i'm too tired
i miss the life that was not like this
this is headache emptiness no him no them thats not fair i do have friends i should appreciate them, the ones that leave you aren't friends
i hate my life
my head hurts
it hurt
and its late
and my life is over
and i hate it
and i won't get the UAI i was good enough to get because i am a failure
i don't know how i am going to live with myself
if and when my UAI is lower than my 1st estimate
this has been a shitty year in so many ways
and i don't like it now on the otherside of it

Thursday, November 6, 2008

long time no blog

yay for obama!
picked up a copy of "Michelle" the autobiography of his wife at Borders today because I love love love her and their gorgeous family. But then I had to stop reading it and put it back because it was making me feel inadequate. That's how I feel today. Useless and pathetic and a failure. Today was my last exam of high school and I don't feel happy, just empty. I don't think I've met my expectation. I hate being a mediocrite.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Basia Bulat

introduced to her music by a volkswagen eos ad of all things, am now addicted to it and find excuses to turn on the computer and listen while "studying"

little waltz - the song from the ad - all i could remember were the words you and i, we make a grand salute, like lost little birds, my love and i learned how to dance, but i never showed it to you... but they kept repeating in my head

Lyrics to Little Waltz :
You and I, we make a grand salute
stare at eachother like lost little birds across the room
and I remember the way you looked
I learned how to dance, but I'd never shown it to you

my love,
I know I was wrong, but you know that you'll always be
my love
stay for a while while our leaves are still green
please, for me

I know I tried, but it's hard sometimes
the roots don't take, it takes a while
and you pull at the strings
but they're broken, it seems
the dance isn't over for me, no

my love,
I know I was wrong, but you know that you'll always be
my love
stay for a while while our leaves are still green
please, for me

Snakes and Ladders

ETA: apparently I'm not the only one CAPTIVATED by the song, had a few hits from people googling the snatches of the lyrics that i remembered too. I think Volkswagen was really clever this time around, I mean for a few moments of insanity there I was actually all I really want an EOS, even though I can't drive....

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Poor Sausage Dogs

During WWI in Britain, Beethoven was banned and dachshunds were kicked with patriotic glee.

Depression Stigma in Australia

"The latest beyondblue survey, released on Friday, found that just seven per cent of those questioned recognised anxiety as a major mental health problem, while 56 per cent recognised depression as a major health problem."

I still think that in Australia, if 44 percent of people think depression is not a major health problem, there's something wrong. Honestly, people just don't know, if they haven't gone through it, and they're so much more likely to dismiss it as feeling sad sometimes, and underestimate its severity, than to think of it as a serious illness.

"This is despite anxiety disorders being the most common of all mental health conditions, affecting one in four Australians at some stage of their lives, whereas depression is likely to affect one in five.

Beyondblue's national depression monitor survey, which questioned 3,200 people, is aimed at assessing changes in community awareness, understanding and stigma surrounding depression, anxiety and related disorders.

Other findings included:

* 32 per cent of respondents said people with depression could not be trusted in positions of responsibility, compared to 36 per cent in 2002.

*31 per cent said people with depression should not stand for political positions, compared to 43 per cent in 2002.

* 32 per cent believe people with severe depression are dangerous to others, compared to 38 per cent in 2002"

And this is pretty ridiculous. We can have politicians like ex-WA opposition leader Troy Buswell who sniffed chairs and snapped bra-straps, total failures like Iemma, corrupt greedy ones like Tripodi and Sartor and that woman in Wollongong, cranky waiter-abusing brats like Belinda Neal,for God's sake, but not someone with depression!

British Homefront in WWI

Didja know that by 1917 governmental control of citizen's lives had made it illegal to fly a kite or to throw bread to pigeons?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

What I used to want, back in the day.

Your hands

I want to touch your hands,
To run my fingers up the length of each of yours,
Trace each concentric whorl,
Ever so softly, ever so slowly.
I want to know each crease and fold.
I’d brush the hairs the wrong way and make them stand.
Climbing from cuticle to tip,
the crevices at the corner where skin and nail meet
in smooth, perfect, rounded union.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

angry song of the day

Power Trip Ballad by Maria Mena

I love her music so much
she is like a me who can sing and is skinnier and whose fringe stays in place and has a boyfriend and is skinny and beautiful


The way in which I feel is only a reflection of you
The devastating child of the power trip you forced me through
But how could he leave you
Could he fuck that whore he left you for
Get revenge

And by all means ask your nine year old daughter to choose between you
Don't stay friends
Now wittering on how he's the devil
He's just been falsely portrayed
But force her to go stay at his house once a week
Because you wanna get laid
Ha ha ha ha.

Ask me why he scares me
Do you wanna know why I'm angry?
Can't you tell I'm crying?
Mother I don't feel good

You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me

Your girl's in the bathroom washing her hands again
Why doesn't she eat?
Her father left us
What about me?
I can't rest
I can't sleep

Mommy loves you
I'm just tired of you and your other shit
And I didn't mean to hit you
But you were asking for it

Ask she scared me
Do you wanna know I'm angry?
Can't you tell I'm crying?
Mother I don't feel good

You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me
You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me

Are all divorces the same? Are there kids and teenagers and grown-ups all around the world who had the childhood I had? It is too weird to imagine, I think it's just out of the bajillion's of divorces that happen there've got to be atleast a few the same. So it's coincidental that hers was so similar to mine.

Monday, October 6, 2008


good things: got fierce summer strappy leather platform ish wooden base heels that i've been needing

got fierce studded tan belt

bad things: done jack all today
feel shitty
exams in nearly one week
freaking screwed
feel depressed
such a freaking inopportune time
just want it to be over and then don't because it's scary
so much to do

i will do good tomorrow

depressing song of the day: My Lullaby by Maria Mena
for when you don't want a depressing song with a happy twist where a man saves you or something
you just want a depressing song that's depressing

something i can relate to, being a divorced child really young, feeling angry/sad at the past and present i have where my parents, namely my mother, still uses me as a pawn in the shitty divorce game

i don't ever want to be divorced

but sometimes i get scared i'll never have anyone and i'll grow to be thirty and alone and i can't stand that my dreams even today are just that someone loves me...

Maria Mena - My Lullaby lyrics

mom please tell me what to do
im so disappointed in you,
you said those words that made me cry
and you always wondered why
why i sing my lullaby

mom please hurry home to me
i waited up so patiently
you sit down and you start to cry
but you never ask me why
why i sing my lullaby

why i sing my lullaby

was it my fault they lead you in the wrong direction?
was it my fault they didnt show you any affection?
i show you when i start to cry
still you always wonder why
why i sing my lullaby

mom why love me if you're cold
you just get bitter then grow old
ask me when i start to weep
then i'll tell you in my sleep
why i sing my lullaby

*** I watched a live performance on youtube and she sung "he" in place of "they" as in

was it my fault he led you in the wrong direction?
was it my fault he didn't show you any affection?

i like it better that way
more divorce angst i guess lol
i am such a nooboid

it is very early in the morning

because i tried to sleep and i can't
it is the being left to my own thoughts bit that gets to me and leaves me shaken and crying and unable to just sleep
life just seems so horrible right now
i know its all in my perception of it but no its not its just horrible horrible horrible
and its unfair
its unfair
its not fair that this is my life

i want my childhood back but not too early because that was a shitty time but even just a few years ago when i didn't know feelings

i want my friends back but i never will have them they don't care and they made new friends that they rub into my face and i hate that i lie awake at night wishing for what i had wishing for better times where everything could be forgotten but it can't be

i hate this
i don't know what to say
every second every minute is torturous okay its not like im being waterboarded but i just cant stand it how am i meant to just go to sleep and wake up and keep going when everything has fallen down and they don't care no matter how much i want them to and i don't get how i am meant to just keep doing this stupid thing how do i make it through this stupid night i can't do this its so hard and people they just don't care some do but not enough and the ones you want to they just don't not at all people are so inherently selfish

its probably all going to be better in the morning

Sunday, October 5, 2008

the ah hah moment!!!

i love discovering songs that i feel, that were made for me and i feel every single word, well i guess words don't mean that much in isolation, but every single line i guess i mean, and each line upon line in a cumulative building effect like BAM

here is one

by Maria Mena, who is absolutely my musical love right now. She went through anorexia and depression. Difficult childhood and divorced parents, like me.
She's norwegian, apparently a popstar, but I don't think this can be pop music, the lyrics are actually meaningful.

Bye Bye

I couldn't change him if I tried
I couldn't be his doll even if I wanted to
'cause I'm me not you..
I couldn't be a little girl
I couldn't walk around like I had no clue
'cause I'm me not you..

Look where you've got me this time
I'm up against the wall like I commited a crime
Take care, I hope never to see you here,
bye, bye, I promise not to cry, bye, bye..

I couldn't lead them on like mice
i couldn't fool them all, that's not something I do
'cause I'm me not you..
I couldn't hide my purple eyes
I couldn't swallow them and not even chew
'cause I'm me not you..

Look where you've got me this time
I'm up against the wall like I commited a crime
Take care, I hope never to see you here,
bye, bye, I promise not to cry, bye, bye..

Your disguise is not fooling me
your embrace is not comfoting
and I can't follow you around
'cause I see your evil ways
and it kills your innocence
But I still followed you around...


OK, this is entirely lame, but whenever i see her pics, i feel so jealous!!! She's so gorgeously skinny. I know she was anorexic and that's bad. But she's so pretty and thin. Sigh.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Friday, October 3, 2008

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

So goddamned, godforsakenly lonely


i couldn't actually really, it's more when the night hits but i could tell that it was going to be empty and hard and i wasted too much time today i have to better tomorrow

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life

i miss everything i used to be and have

i miss him even though he doesn't miss me and never will i think i will until i am whole again

oh shit

Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.

"Another Lonely Day"

Yes indeed, I'm alone again.
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.

Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
And now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now, it's just another lonely day.

Yesterday seems like a life ago,
'cause the one I love today, I hardly know,
You I held so close in my heart, Oh dear,
Grow further from me with every fallen tear.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.

Ben Harper

Monday, September 29, 2008

i don't know if i'm coping

or not
it is just
so much lethargy
can't be bothered to get help
can't be bothered to take medication


so much to be doing
i'm not going to let this ruin my life, not now

but it's like living 2 lives
the life of the day, the anonymity of being someone who can study hard in a library

the life of the night, in home, when i should be studying, but instead am sleeping for 15 hours, or crying or listening to sad music to make myself cry, surfing the internet mindlessly, watching half of 90210, not getting any pleasure from such distractions

i need to start studying the nights away too so at least i have the satisfaction of hard work and meeting my goals

my mouth tastes yucky like toothpaste

i've had a very unproductive last few days, been in bed, or staring into space like a zombie, wasting a lot of time on public transport

i am worried that the taste at the back of my mouth is the taste of the steak i half ate that i tried to cook but one bit flipped over and wasn't cooked and i bit and spit out a raw hunk

yuck yuck yuck

The Beatles

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

i want to stop her ruining my life every single day but i don't know how it just seems there is no end to what she can do i just can't wait until i am free i want to be on my own and start life over by myself with no one else to embarass me and say things about me and ruin me and god this is a shitty day and it is just ruined i don't know where to go or what to do i just don't know what i am going to do i know i need to study and do scholarships but i can't when i am ruined like this when everything is shit and people are being so mean to me i don't understand

Monday, September 22, 2008

Another Failure- questioning the worth of my life.

We failed, and partly, maybe even largely, maybe I was even the shittiest, due to me. I hate life. I hate sucking. I hate not knowing that I suck and then finding out that I suck and it all makes sense and in the back of my head I knew that I sucked but I knew too late and couldn't fix it and deliver a PROPER GODDAMNED SPEECH. I SUCK AND I HATE IT. I JUST WANT TO BE GOOD AND I KNOW I HAVE IT IN ME.

And afterwards, I don't want to go back to my life, my shitty empty life with no one in it.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Worst day ever

Too exhausted, maybe write later.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Life Stinks

I had a whole hating post about hating people then my computer froze and I lost it which is perhaps a fortuitous thing. So I decided pictures of skunks could lighten the mood, and surprisingly they are cute. I want one for a pet, except it might do the spray on me then nobody would come near me. How prejudiced the human race is! Life DOES stink though. IT STINKS IT STINKS IT STINKS I TELL YOU. IT STIIIIIINKS.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Another failure

I've had a huge, embarassing, horrific debating failure. I suck so badly and am so shit. No I'm not. Argh. I want to prove myself, that I am better than what I've shown. I have a chance tomorrow night, but there is pressure and I have to make sure it makes me perform better rather than worse. I am so just empty. There's no other word for it. I don't feel intensely sad or angry, just empty inside, with a dull ache. I just wish I could be good enough, the best.

Monday, September 15, 2008

i am depressed and i want to die
i am alone and there is nobody
i dont have a family or friends

Bye Bye Childhood

This is my last week of school ever. After this I have three weeks of "study vacation," how fun, that was sarcasm in case you didn't notice, aaaaaaah it will be alright though I guess. After that I have my three weeks of exams, six exams, that will determine my future. Ok so it's not really that Godzilla climactic, like luckily for me I guess my marks are good enough to get in to the course I want to do - Law combined with something or other - at the uni I want to go to - Sydney University. But the big whopping deal is I want their freaking $10,000 a year scholarship which you automatically get given if you meet this certain mark criteria with your UAI, which is basically your marks in every subject added up and scaled around. So I want that 10 grand badly. Not just for the money but so I don't feel like I've failed all my fantastic super duper potential, well that sounds corny, but you know what I mean.

I don't know. Sometimes I just don't care about my future. I don't want to leave school because it is familiar and a routine where I get to see the same people everyday and feel comfortable. In many ways it is sheltered and easy. There are people to sit with and talk with at lunch, and during class you don't have to talk to people, you can just do your work. Not much room for social anxiety if you stick to the people you know. I don't want to venture out into the big bad world. I am really irationally scared to get into debating at Uni in case I'm not good enough to go to Worlds and stuff, not good enough at something so important to me and that I want to be the best at.

I don't want to screw up my exams. I want to do better than the people who've stopped being my friends. Well there are only two of them, but I want to do better than them. It's a shitty motivation I know, but maybe I'm a shitty person, so whatever motivates me, even if it is evil and conniving, I'll take.

I'll have to study really hard really soon. But tonight I think I'm just going to bed.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

I don't know if I did the right thing.

I kind of just do things without thinking these days because I don't really care about the consequences anymore. Told a friend about this blog. Gave the link. It's a big deal to be able to talk openly about my depression. Here was the conversation:

it's not going to stop says:
it's not going to stop says:
show anyone and ill kill you
it's not going to stop says:
it's not going to stop says:
it's not going to stop says:
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
i shan't
the dolphins are taking over the world! says: spend so much time on your blog
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
and the writing is quite beautiful acutlaly
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
despite it containing horrible things
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
that picture of the girl is so disturbingg
eek..the cuts on her arrms
it's not going to stop says:
ur not reading it r u?

the dolphins are taking over the world! says:well i skimmed itt
the style is quite elegant
it's not going to stop says:
u stink
it's not going to stop says:
i hate u
it's not going to stop says:
u stink
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
u know how most people if they're emo are: i hate everyone. i wish they'd diee blah blah
it's not going to stop says:
i hate u
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
but urs is different

Is it Jealousy?

This feeling of inadequacy, that everyone else is doing better than me, strides ahead and miles high above me. They are achieving and fine on their own. They make new friends and network and build futures with other people. Even other depressed people, friends of friends, or sisters of acquaintances, are doing great and apparently holding everything together.

I feel like such a failure at this thing called life. And its not even any particular tangible thing I've failed at, or maybe it's just everything, that my failures in academics, in debating, in all the things that define who I am, have become unbearable. I don't know if this is a manifestation of failure, this overwhelming yet hard to pinpoint feeling of not being enough, not doing enough, living a life day to day without actively recovering or being happy.

I mean I am a very jealous person, which is sad I know. Seeing someone really thin on the street makes me SOOOOO jealous, well only if they have a decent or better face as well. I am jealous of skinny bitches, skinny nice people, people who get better grades and debate better than me, those bitches who look great in skinny leg jeans, celebrities who get dressed by designers for free, okay the list goes on...

Maybe this is the worst type of jealousy, the type where I feel inadequate at this thing called being a human being when I think about how well other people are living and enjoying and achieving marvellous things in their lives. I feel like I am nothing compared to them, and that I am too lethargic to do anything about it, just existing is hard enough anyway. I used to want so much to be perfect,it was the one thing that defined my childhood and life as a student, it used to drive me crazy. I don't know who I am anymore when even pursuing perfection has just become too much.

Insomnia and revelations of failure

Photo Credits:

Girl, 13, hangs herself after becoming obsessed with 'Emo suicide cult' rock band

It is 12:14 am and I can not sleep. This is so stupid because I need to get up early tomorrow and study. I am meeting a friend at the library, whoop-dee-freaking-doo. Well excuse the fatigue induced sarcasm, it was actually going to be a great fun day because I study better, well I actually do study rather than watching Australia's Next Top Model and Project Runway Australia and USA on youtube, when there is someone with me.

GOAOAOAOASJASKJADSJ! I am angry! Angry! At myself for being me. I am sick of being me. I hate it and I feel like an idiot. I tried to cut myself tonight, I feel like an absolute idiot saying that, like an emo wannabe moody teenager with died black hair and skinny leg jeans who writes crappy poetry about bleeding hearts and cutting to release the beautiful red blood like rivers gosh please slap me, kill me before I become one of those! It didn't work, I even couldn't even draw blood, even though I didn't do it with like a butter knife or plastic fork, but sharp sewing scissors and no, I fail at this too, although I don't know what I want to do. Like, it just didn't work, but I know it was because I was too scared to really try and go deep so I didn't it was just like scratching so It's not like I could expect rivulets of blood. I don't know. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I feel completely detached sometimes and far away from anything around me. I don't want this life and I am in a shitty place so I am sorry I am not writing a great mental health blog about recovery and all that shit because I don't know shit about pharmaceutical companies and thinking positive. I'm a failure at everything. I want to die and I also am too scared to die and don't want to.

But something that does interest me - END EMO RANT - is this whole cutting thing. I honestly agree it is its sensationalisation and not really glamorous depiction but maybe slightly so, in the media, in movies and books and its saturation in popular culture, that makes kids think of it. I don't think there is some ancient human instinct from caveman times to hurt oneself when feeling bad. To manifest physical pain when our psyche is distressed. Or maybe there is. Maybe Homo Sapiens put his hand into the fires they made or banged his head with rocks.

But honestly, the way "cutting" is presented in movies like Thirteen, in books like the Babysitters Club spinoff about Dawn and her edgy friends, on the TV Show Seventh Heaven - I am talking here about my own exposure during my time of growing up in the turn of the millenium - makes it something to do. It puts the idea into little kiddie's heads, like me, that it is thing to do if you are depressed, maybe even a cool thing to do, where you can wear bandaids on your wrists and a boy at school will notice and start loving you, all your friends will start caring, and life will be great although glamorously depressing.

I feel like a right tool. I know for some people cutting is a serious problem, don't mean to denigrate that. And its like I have all the urges on the inside waiting to erupt, when shit things happen like I stuff up an exam or a boy insinuates that I'm fat - which I am not, sure I've put on weight, but I'm still 5"11', I am not that fat, just not thin like I used to be, I do things like scratch myself until I break the skin and stuff, but I guess I won't be conforming to the whole wristslitters lifestyle anytime soon.

I wish people would take me seriously without me feeling like I need to resort to that. I think the whole "they're just doing it for the attention" argument about cutting does have some credence. Maybe not for everyone. But I think for a lot of sufferers, self harm is a cry for help.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

This is killing me

I hate how I am so unbalanced and obsessive about things that I've lost. He is not my friend anymore. We haven't been friends for at least three months now, ever since one of us, I can't remember which, stopped talking to the other, I can't remember why.

I know it was after I told him. And so I ignored him all the more once I thought he stopped caring. And he made friends with the girls at school who are really loud and laugh all the time. I can't believe it happened, two years of almost-best friendery imploded and now its at the stage where I want to talk to him, but I don't know what I'd say. And then I don't want to talk to him because I hate him for not trying harder to salvage this. He sent me an email about a month ago, after we won a debating-type thing together saying that he wanted our friendship back and that he was here for me more than ever. But I just couldn't believe it and wouldn't. Because it was an email that came 2 months too late. I'd sent him an email 2 months before that, saying that I was sorry for telling him about my issues, about my depression, about my family situation, for changing our relationship when he'd never asked to be the one to hear me cry and be so down all the time. And he just didn't reply to it. It was so difficult to send, I cried, and he just didn't reply until two months later, conveniently the day after exams ended. Meanwhile, I had spent two months totally comatose, just every day, sleeping my holidays and weekends away, screwing myself up for exams.

Writing all this makes me angry and less mournful. But seeing him makes me so sad. Seeing him everyday. Seeing his name on MSN. It hurts every time. I really don't want to, but I miss him so much. But there's nothing I can do. I want things back the way they were. I wish I'd never told him. Or really, I wish that he would have cared. Cared enough that he would have been there for me through everything. That he wouldn't have been able to stop talking to me and watch me fall apart every day without saying one word to me, watch me cry in class and do nothing, just laugh with his new friends in front of me. It hurts so much.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Nobody Knows

Do you like to see me broken?
Do you just not care?

They just don't understand what it feels like. I can't blame them I guess, but it is hard doing this on my own. I think nobody takes it seriously, and I am letting it destroy my life. I want to stop this now but I don't know if I can. I need to get back on track or I'll have cost myself so much. I want to live and not just pass each minute like they are hell to endure. I don't want to live this way.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Depressing Music Playlist

There are times when I feel inexplicably, suddenly, horribly down. And all I want to do is listen to depressing music, words that express how I feel. I can't stand happy songs at these times, or love songs.

So these are the top eight because I can't think of ten right now saddest songs I've got in no order because I don't think I could rate sad songs in sadness, that would just be way too depressing for me right now (ha ha Annie Lennox pun, do you get it? no? okay I am lame.)

1. Breathe Me by Sia
2. The Saddest Song I've Got by Annie Lennox
3. Save Me by Aimee Mann
4. November by Azure Ray
5. No Surprises by Radiohead
6. Worn Me Down by Rachael Yamagata
7. My Skin by Natalie Merchant
8. Just Hold Me by Maria Mena

I really need more songs, please reply with your choices in depressing music that keeps you going through the shitty lows of life!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Is Angelina Jolie Depressed?

A few different sources are reporting that Ange is suffering from PND after giving birth to her twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. I don't know how true these claims are, as every article relies on that tattle-taling, unnamed "insider."

According to UK's Now Magazine:

Angelina Jolie is apparently tired and emotional following the birth of her twins.

The actress and partner Brad Pitt, 44, had Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon on 13 July.

But insiders claim the mum-of-six has rarely left her French home since they were born.

‘She has been trying to control her emotions but her mood swings have been hard on the entire family,' a source tells In Touch.

'She has been staying in bed most of the time - all she does is sleep.

'She cries at the drop of a hat and laughs at inappropriate times.'

Friends of Ange, 33, are said to think she may be suffering from post-natal depression.

‘Everyone around her is hoping that she will talk to someone about how she is feeling,’ the source adds.

Angelina is also mum to adopted kids Maddox, 7, Pax, 4, and Zahara, 3, and daughter Shiloh, 2.

The Melbourne Herald Sun, The UK Sun and India's SIFY are also reporting this, but at the moment I do question how true it is because the big guns like People, OK, and WHO haven't jumped on board. I do hope she is doing well, it must be pretty hard work looking after six kids now! Perhaps it is weird considering the fact that I don't know her, but I think that weird thing where we tend to feel very close to celebrities we don't know at all, applies here. She is just such an effortlessly beautiful human being, and does lots of great charity work too. I really hope she is alright, especially considering her history of depression, not to mention all the weird blood rituals she did with Billy Bob Thornton. is reporting that they are getting therapy.....hmmm...

"Friends close to Brad say Angelina is battling to bond with the twins and has asked Brad to take over the reins. “Ange is suffering from post-partum depression and is not coping right now. She’s just really down. Her spirits are really low,” reveals a source.

Coupled with all that responsibility and taking care of the other children, things between Brad and Ange are not going as well as planned. “Brad is happy that his folks paid a visit to France to help out, but he still wants to go back to LA where his friends and family are,” says a friend. Which is completely understandable. There he will get the help and support he needs to be a good father to six children.

Family dynamics shaken
Those close to the couple say the twins have also had a massive effect on the family dynamics. “Little Shiloh isn’t the baby anymore. She has been throwing tantrums and screaming for no reason.” And poor Maddox! All of a sudden he has to play big brother to five siblings, who don’t even speak the same language!

But Ange is refusing to budge and wont move back to the US just yet. Instead she has insisted they try therapy sessions before making a final decision.

“They phone the same psychotherapist they used when they were staying in New York. They just need some help. Everything is so overwhelming and they seem to be battling with the basics,” says a family member."

Well if it turns out to be true, I hope Ange gets all the help she needs!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

R.I.P. Mark Priestley

From his recently updated Wikipedia page

Mark Priestley (9 August 1976 – 27 August 2008) was an Australian actor. Born in Perth, Western Australia, he graduated from the National Institute of Dramatic Art (NIDA) with a degree in Performing Arts (acting) in 1999. His first big TV break was when he appeared in The Farm in 2000 and met director Kate Woods. She gave him a role in her mini-series Changi in 2001.

Priestley played a semi-regular role in The Secret Life of Us and appeared in Blue Heelers before his first on-air appearance in All Saints in July 2004. Priestley was a long-time friend of Wil Traval, his co-star on All Saints. The two were known to get up to countless pranks on set.

Priestley also had some notable theatre credits. He worked with the Bell Shakespeare Company, playing Silvio in The Servant of Two Masters, as well as with The Sydney Theatre Company in Major Barbara, both in 2003.

On the afternoon of 27 August 2008 Priestley checked into the Swissotel in Market Street, Sydney, under the name 'Damien Barker'. He was found dead on an awning of the Myer store at Pitt Street, on the corner of Market Street, at 2pm. Police sources said the 32-year-old jumped from the Swissotel and was killed instantly. There are unconfirmed reports he plunged from a 22nd-floor room. The actor was believed to have been suffering from depression.

A statement issued by the Seven Network said that Priestley was a "tremendous young person" who was loved and respected by the cast and crew of All Saints. Seven’s Director of Programming and Production, Tim Worner, wrote in the statement: "Mark was such a brilliant artist ... his work on stage and screen was admired by everybody who knew him."

How thoroughly sad. And it always makes me feel connected, like with Charmaine Dragun's suicide, when they reveal they have depression, like I know what he was going through, even though I'm sure I don't really. Just the sheer loneliness, having nobody to talk to, life being too painful and unbearable. I can imagine the split decision, jumping before you lose your nerve. I do hope he is at peace now. Maybe that is a stupid thing to say. I don't know anything about death, I don't think I believe in heaven, so maybe there is no peace for someone who kills themselves. But I do mourn him.

The paradox of getting help

I am a massive procrastinator. Being depressed makes me procrastinate even more, sometimes out of laziness, sometimes out of tiredness, and sometimes out of sheer necessity. As in I just can't do ANYTHING. Sheer necessity reminds me of the BARE NECESSITIES, THE BEAR NECESSITIES, DOO DOO DOO, (from The Jungle Book!)Anyway, its just that the worse I am, the more that I need help, the more I feel incapable of getting out of bed and actively seeking it. I haven't been taking my happy pills either. I feel like I've been living in a daze, in oblivion, which is a god damned stupid thing to be doing when I have the HSC - as in the exams my life and university and scholarships depends on IN LESS THAN 6 WEEKS! AAAH!

So basically I have left it DISGUSTINGLY LONG without seeking help. As in a psychologist. In a previous post I explained how the first psychologists I contacted went down the drain, and now I guess I go to the freaking GP again and get a different referral, or I call the psychologists clinic, tell them off, and ask for another appointment with the stipulation that they only ring my mobile number, and don't disclose any more medical information to anyone but me!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Family problems

She wouldn't drive me to school.

I hate having this life. It is too hard and I can't deal with it. Every minute is painful.

I don't know if I can say it without sounding pretentious, but I hate being abused by my mother, because that is what I think it is. And coupled with my mental illness, it is just too much.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Privacy Laws

I feel very violated. The psychologists that I made a booking with called my home number, which I had never given them, so that my home would not be callen. I only gave my mobile number, so they must have contacted the medical centre/ general practitioner that referred me. They spoke to someone who was not me, and not only told them the nature of my appointment, being with psychologists, but also disclosed what I was seeking treatment for, namely depression.

I was so angry, sad, humiliated, shocked, because the person who answered my home phone was unaware due to my important decision not to disclose my medical information haphazardly. A decision that was voided in a matter of seconds by an irresponsible, unethical, not to mention illegal, clinic of psychologists.

So now I don't know what to do. I've been getting really poor marks back from my recent really big trial exams at school so I'm basically on the edge all the time, feeling near breaking point. And now I have to search around for another clinic of psychologists, get another referral, because I really don't want anything to do with such an unprofessional group.

And I have to deal with the fallout from the person who answered the phone.

Life is very difficult right now.

Monday, August 25, 2008

mood swings up and down like a rollercoaster for lack of a better description

I was originally going to do a whole gosh im a failure and life sucks post but then I went off and drew a picture.

I think that art is really good therapy.
I started yesterday, I sketched the daffodils in a vase on our kitchen table
then today i just did two sort of abstract pictures, just fun and I feel quite good now.

I feel bad though for not posting because I was going to take this whole blog thing seriously because I really like reading depression and bipolar blogs (sound like a masochist much?) honestly, I do. Especially when they are funny, like I love the Trouble With Spikol and Liz Spikol's videos, which if you haven't read or seen you must do so at:

So this was going to be a great teen depression blog because I haven't read any of those and apparently lots of teenagers are depressed. Which leads me to thinking about teen angst. I find it extremely irritating when teenagers who have depression or strong emotions are labelled as "angst-ridden," but if you're middle aged and balding those emotions become understandable and worth sympathy. The stereotype of a suicidal, wrist-slitting, drug-taking teenager, I must admit, has become a completely annoying cliche though. I do understand that it is easier for adults to just dismiss it as a phase, or a form of attention seeking. But I do get annoyed that nobody really takes what I'm going through seriously. I know I can't expect other people to understand how draining and life-consuming depression is, and that it is actually a mental illness, not just a bad mood that comes and goes.

I think depression just doesn't sound very serious in terms of its name. Even Bipolar sounds much more sinister. I feel rather stupid telling people I have "depression." Of course I haven't told many people, I've had to tell basically two teachers at school in terms of getting illness and misadventure for my exams so that my marks can be adjusted. Which I am extremely stressed about, because I don't think they will push my marks up high enough where they deserve to be. I really screwed up chemistry and part of maths because I was feeling really crap in the days before those exams, whereas in previous exam weeks I've been doing really well, getting full marks or high marks. So I am so worried. And also, about the teachers at school, I am bloody stressed that they've been telling all the other teachers.

I don't know how paranoid I am being, but today a deputy principal who hasn't talked to me for like a year asked me how I was. And I don't know if it was just because we walked past each other, or it was a loaded question she felt she had to ask because she KNOWS. I think I will ask one of the teachers tomorrow about my marks, and also about who knows.

Because, oh my gosh, the most annoying thing, is that I think the freaking principal knows. And she is an utter troll. Peeves the bejeezus out of me. She keeps asking me "are you ok?" in front of my peers. And I know it is a loaded question. AND I AM NOT BEING PARANOID. She doesn't ask anyone else this.

Ugh. School was once like an escape, and now it is giving me so much stress.

Monday, July 28, 2008

not a good time

i feel, i feel, i really don't like saying those words but i feel bad. suicidal. wanting to die and thinking about cutting my wrists but i don't really have anything because stupid me uses those razors with soap attached, so its not like i can get a razor blade out shit i feel stupid typing this but its the way my mind thinks even if it seems so fake written down.

i partially know why i am feeling so shit and partially don't want to go into it but maybe i should. there's this friend that i lost, well 2 actually, and i'm really not taking it well, i mean its been atleast 3 weeks since i categorically lost them and i'm still not over it. it honestly reminds me of charlotte york in sex and the city, in that you are allowed to spend half the time you went out with them grieving over the breakup, but for me it was just friendship.

and its partially,well one of them anyway, i lost them because i told them. just being honest part of the time about how i felt. told them about meds, doctors, crap stuff happening. i guess i shouldnt have. it was just really hard doing it all on my own. and i wouldnt have told them if i knew this would happen

Saturday, July 26, 2008


and now it is crunch time, captain crunch time, they don't have that cereal here

so much to do, insanely so much to do, and so little time

i just have to keep believing that everything is going to work out fine, that i will work hard in the last moments and do well as I always do, because I always do do well despite not being able to study regularly throughout the term, I am very good at using time well near the exams

in other matters

I organised the 'care plan' that means i get referred to the psychologist by the medical centre and then i get a huge rebate so I end up paying nothing or next to nothing for 16 sessions a year, and it is good that it is mid july now because 16 sessions will about take me to the end of this year

except the stupid thing is that i gave them my mobile number to call me and make the appointment but i can't find my charger and the battery is dead, and i keep putting off calling them. Do you know the sort of lethargy where you know you really should be doing something but just can't be bothered?

I also haven't taken my meds for quite a few days. I'm just in such a rush in the morning, and then don't bother in the afternoon, then it is night time and if I take them that late they keep me awake for hours. I know this is bad and probably contributing to how much time I am spending in bed lately, as I find myself atleast slightly more energetic and awake with Lovan/Prozac.

I promise I will do everything tomorrow. I am meeting Pony at the library to study. She is a doll and has been such a good friend, especially when I call her up crying, then hang up and call 20 minutes later, and sometimes do that 4 times an afternoon, he he it sounds pretty pathetic but she has been so nice and is such a great person.
I think losing some friends makes me all the more thankful for what I've got with the ones that stick around.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

First Real Post

Ok, so I tried to type that in the title box, but honestly, it turned my words into Arabic whenever I hit the space bar. Maybe I clicked something weird in my settings.

Well anyhow, back to business, this is my first real post. I used to have all these really bad angsty poems, but I got embarassed and deleted them, and decided if I'm going to do a blog properly, which I am, and this is a proper blog, I've got to have direction and focus.

Unfortunately it is late at night and I don't feel like elaborating on any of the things I should be. Thinking about the messy state of my life right now really pains me quite exquisitely. Especially considering the way I have wasted the last, yes it hurts to add this up, basically 11 full days. And they aren't just days, these are really important days to me. I have huge exams in 3 weeks. Or possibly 2. I can't even find my exam timetable.

And my whole life hinges on doing fabulously well in them.

Well I am making a promise to myself that things will change starting from tomorrow. I will get a lot of things done. I have to post off some tax things, get my Lovan 20mg prescription filled for the first time ever because my old doctor used to just dole out boxes as if it was candy that just happened to have that distinctively disgusting fluoxetine hydrochloride taste. It sure keeps you coming back doesn't it, good old Prozac. I have to organise 2 other medical things which I will tell you about next time.

God, I am even more depressed, because I really need to work my ass off to recompense for the weeks I've spent in bed all day, and crying all night. Holidays are so dangerous for me, being out of touch with everything and everyone. I will have a good, productive day tomorrow.

I need to.