Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The house is a mess,

as is my life. Two weeks worth of dishes in the sink. Mould growing in the kitchen. I just ignore it, can't deal with it yet. Tonight I am taking my pills dissolved in water from a soy sauce mini dish thing because there are no more cups or glasses left.

On a side note, I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY REPLACED LIBBY KENNEDY (KYM VALENTINE) ON NEIGHBOURS WITH MICHALA BANAS FROM MCLEOD'S DAUGHTERS, it is so incredibly unsubtle and weird to hear people calling her Libby. Apparently it's only for a month or so while Valentine recovers from pneumonia, but honestly, they should have just written her out of the script for that month....


Watching House M.D. now, and during the ad breaks reading articles about Hugh Laurie's "mild clinical depression"

"The production team in Los Angeles are acutely aware they are dealing with a brooding genius with a highly developed penchant for misanthropy. Katie Jacobs, the executive producer of House, told an interviewer last month: “Every day at about four or five o’clock, Hugh’s sitting on the kerb completely despondent. He’s miserable no matter what he does. Never thinks he’s good enough, never thinks he’s got it right.”

The actor, who turned 46 yesterday, is aware that his self-criticism is extreme, but he cannot restrain it. “It’s true of all of my life,” he said recently. “I wish I could silence that part of my brain. Or remove it.”

His discontent is increased by the distance between Los Angeles, which resembles “a giant petrol station” to his eye, and his family in London: Jo Green, his wife of 16 years, and their children, Charlie, Bill and Rebecca. He worked out that even if they all went to America to stay with him, they would only see him for an hour or so a week, so merciless is his shooting schedule. "

How lonely he must be!

"He recognised his pessimism as clinical depression in 1996 and sought help from a psychotherapist. “I was in the middle of a stockcar race for charity, with cars exploding and turning over when it suddenly hit me: I was bored. I thought this can’t be right. I diagnosed myself and decided I would try to sort it out.”

I get that feeling too. The impossibility of being entirely absorbed or thrilled by the moment, always feeling depressed or the feeling that I can't decide if it is better or worse - numbness.

Hugh Laurie says he won't take pills. But I will. I am going to take mine now.
I need to call the psychology clinic. But I can't right now and no one can help me or will, even if they say they do, they just don't. I need to remember words are just words. They are empty. I need to stop trusting people.

"I'm amazed at you, the things you say that you don't do..."

Saturday, November 22, 2008

It's amazing when you really listen to a song for the first time

a&e by Goldfrapp
I don't know how many times I've listened mindlessly to this song, put Goldfrapp on while surfing the internet, but for some reason I decided to listen, and to look up the lyrics. Now this officially becomes my favourite song in quite a while.

I love the lines:
-it's a blue, bright blue saturday and the pain has started to slip away
-think i want you still but it may be pills at work
-i was feeling lonely, feeling blue, feeling like i needed you, like i hoped you'd call i hoped you'd see me

and the best line of all:
-i'm amazed at you the things you say that you don't do, why don't you ring?

A&E lyrics

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
Think I want you still
But there may be pills at work

Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?
I was trying to phone you as I'm crawling out the door
I'm amazed at you, the things you say and that you don't do
Why don't you ring?

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I'm walking up surrounded by me

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
They gotta watch you still
But there may be pills at work

How did I get to accident and emergency?
All I wanted was you to take me out high
And I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me

I was afraid to be alone, but now I'm scared that's how I'd like to be

It doesn't even feel like a choice anymore.
This song is rather fitting....except why do they always have to put the optimistic bit in the end? I don't know if i can or want to give this one more shot, to find it in myself.

by Azure Ray

So I'm waiting for this test to end
So these lighter days can soon begin
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly
I was afraid to be alone
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be
All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities
So many lifeless empty hands
So many hearts in great demand
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain
But I turn them off and tuck them away
'till these rainy days that make them stay
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday
And I dont think they'll ever go away
Just like thinking of your childhood home
But we cant go back we're on our own
But i'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself
So were speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you're not here
And i think I'll want to be alone
So please understand if I dont answer the phone
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
Until I can see nothing at all
Only particles some fast some slow
All my eyes can see is all I know
But I'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself

Friday, November 21, 2008

depression, loneliness, golly gosh that's my whole freaking life

i am nothing more
i hate it
i hate being so alone
i hate the hurt
i want it to go away
it's just so tiring to think that every day is the same pain, the same ache, the same disease
i just wish i could die
i just wish i could be somebody else
i can't stand it anymore i can't live this mess anymore i can't deal with what has happened and i can't sit by idly i can't watch i can't pick up the pieces

Thursday, November 20, 2008

a waste of a day

In bed. Out of bed to make peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Or grab peanuts. Haven't taken meds in a few days, can't really remember. In bed most of the day.

What can I say? I'm depressed again.

I was stupid to get my hopes up about anything more. About getting what I want, about things going back to the way they were, and of thinking my momentary bouts of happiness could last. I hate my life. And I hate the peanut crumbs stuck in my teeth because I've just been eating peanuts.

I am depressed. I am depressed. There is no one to help me. No one is going to call me. No one is going to take me out. No one is going to care. The people who know are living their own lives and just don't care that much. The people who don't know are doing the same. I don't know why I'm supposed to live a life so alone, so uncared about and so empty, painful, long, weary.

i just want to be ok

i just want to feel something today

this song is just a tad too happy for the mood i'm in, but what the heck...

formal last night was better than i expected, even seeing the less than perfect pictures of me didn't really upset me

and it was rather strange

-we all discovered a girl in our grade is now a lesbian (she brought another girl, and her facebook status confirms it is a relationship!)
-E's hair extensions fell out..onto the floor.. the rest had to be pulled out and shoved into her clutch...according to L, that mean girl, E also had wonky fake eyelashes lol, but anyhow, E was so hot!!! so seductive, so beautiful!!!
-someone bought this guy date with like really weird asian dreadlocks
-a lot of guys wore bow ties! which was so cute
-i don't think i judged people much, i'm so happy, i mean i would look at people and think hideous dress, but i bore no ill will and i don't even remember looking at a lot of people's dresses or how good they looked - hooray for the waning of my superficiality!

Written by Ingrid Michaelson

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok


Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

i don't know

life is life
my formal is tomorrow
not looking forward to it but not totally not wanting to go like i felt yesterday
just slightly stressed about looking the best... competition... being judged by everyone else there

life is life is i don't know
people are confusing
i care too much
in negative ways
they don't care much


life is so superficial
so much of it is just surface deep
so much is based on the way people look
i'm scared of growing up, growing older, relationships, work, uni, all of it

my feet hurt from walking in high heels
but i like the way they make my legs look

have been constantly feeling a sense of discontent of boredom of just not being able to be engrossed in anything, just a niggling feeling all the time... i don't like it... lack concentration span to read or watch movies even! i can't believe there is not one book in the whole world, not one classic or new novel, considering how great literature is and how much i used to love reading, that i want to read

on the bus i just stare into space, because opening the book in my bag takes so much effort

Sunday, November 16, 2008

my chest hurts and my hands are shaking and i cant stop crying
i just feel so empty and paralysed and worthless
i feel horrible
and alone
ican't keep doing this
i can't
i can't deal with this life
i can't i hate it
i hate the memories
i hate knowing what i thought i had and how they were such horrible friends and they still make me feel bad today
i hate being me
my brain
the headache
staying in bed all day
it is unbearable
and nobody i know cares
they just don't care
they won't help me
they won't listen
they won't be there
they leave me all alone to drown

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

i am depressed and useless and braindead and depressed
I am really worried that every single person in the world hates me or they just don't like me or they just don't care at all one bit. I miss being a child and unaware of nobody caring about me. I hate this feeling. I want to go home and I don't have one.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

They make it seem so bloody glamorous...

Watching Gossip Girl has become my new obsession/pastime/thing that makes the hours go by... yes I am having such a wonderful, productive, enjoyable life post-HSC....

And Eric Van Der Woodsen, Serena Van Der Woodsen's little brother has a minor plot line as a troubled teen staying at "The Ostraf Centre" for alcoholics/drug addicts/ mentally ill adolescents after he attempted suicide, apparently by slashing at his wrists, because he was morbidly depressed or something...

Of course the Van Der Woodsen's are incredibly rich, and his first return into their society of WASPs involves a romantic connection with a girl who is moved/sympathetic about his problems when he confides in her.....
"It's a long story"
"I've got time"
"It's pretty dark"
"I can handle it"

We see a dramatic scene where he brandishes the scars on his wrists at Blair, and coolly utters a glib one liner.

We see the pretty girl visit him at his rehab/hospital place, and the beginnings of something...

Because of course most people do find depression something that moves them to care about people, right? They are drawn closer, not repulsed, right?

Even Serena leaving the dramatic scene where she was just publicly outed, even though it wasn't true, by Blair as being at the Ostraf Centre for a non-existent drug addiction, storming out and crying, is stopped by the guy that just broke things off with her with a pleasant/ humorous yet oh so sincere offer of ever "talking" or just "not talking" together if she needed someone..... like Bloody Hell, why is it that the bloody opposite is what happens in real life, that people just feel like they are divorced of you and don't need to help or care... even when you need them too.

It's not like i'm mad, I mean I do like Gossip Girl for the outfits, the romantic dramas, and all the dramatic "teenage issues" of which attempted suicide makes a token cameo.... I don't know why I feel like writing this. I guess I wish that I could be recovering, which is stupid because I'm not taking the steps. I'm not taking the pills, which are right next to me now on my bedside table, I'm not picking up the phone and calling to book an appointment. I feel a bit incapable and useless and incapacitated right now. I was meant to do something today but I couldn't really get up the motivation to get up, get dressed and leave the house.

I wish that there would be friends there who I could talk to about this and who would care more and not less. And I wouldn't have to be scared of driving them away if they knew the real me.

I kind of wish there was a glamour to my situation, but there isn't. I hate constantly comparing myself to everyone else I ever meet or hear of, and coming out inferior. I hate that no one cares enough to ask me how I am, that none of my friends ever calls me. I hate being this person and this whole thing is pathetic including this stupid post argjhlkld/;la/we:Lka;j

Monday, November 10, 2008

you will always be the bitter, saddest part of me

It doesn't make me feel good to listen to these songs which are me , but I can't not, I can't just listen to inane happy music..



The way in which I fear is only a reflection of you
The devastating child of the powertrip you forced me through
But how could he leave you
Could he f**k that hard
He left you
Forget revenge

And by all means ask your nine year old daughter to choose between you
Don't stay friends
Now littering on how he's the devil
He's just been falsely portrayed
But force her to go stay at his house once a week
Because you wanna get laid

Ask me why he scares me
Do you wanna know why I'm angry?
Can't you tell I'm crying?
Mother I don't feel good

You will always be the bitter saddest part of me

Your girl's in the bathroom washing her hands again
Why doesn't she eat?
Her father left us
What about me?
I can't rest
I can't sleep

Mommy loves you
I'm just tired of you and your other shit
And I didn't mean to hit you
But you were asking for it

Ask she scared me
Do you wanna know I'm angry?
Can't you tell I'm crying?
Mother I don't feel good

You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me
You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me

You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me
You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me
You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me
You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me

Sunday, November 9, 2008

don't know how i am going to survive until december 17

- if i don't get .9 or above, i'm killing myself

its as simple as that
and yet i feel like a wiener because i've never been brave enough to do it in the past

at the very least
if i don't get .9 or above i'm going to the bloody gap and going to have a think about life

god i'm pathetic
if i'd worked harder i could've been the .95
i'm a failure
i was so close
and i screwed things up

i can't decide if life stinks or it is ok...

gosh well atleast more optimistic than usual when i am sure it just stinks ok!
Today I went to continue the long torturous saga that is formal shopping. I hate formals. I hated the year 10 formal. Even though it was probably one of the most photogenic times of my life, and I purportedly like fashion etc, there is just so much bloody pressure at the formal with 101 other girls, to be the best looking/ best dress/ prettiest face girl there! Especially when there are people i just HAVE to look better than or i will DIE i will IMPALE MYSELF on my heels if they look better than me....

3 dresses on hold for me at David Jones, can't decide which one. I went to every single Aust designer flagship store in CBD ie The Strand, Paddington, Surry Hills, I went to the apparently vintage mecca Grandma Takes a Trip which is so not crash hot, so don't trust Nicole Kidman's reccomendations, I went bloody everywhere, and its still between the three at DJs.

So much pressure to choose the right one!!!!! And shoes good god, all the ones I want = $1000+++ so I guess I'm going to have to emotionally blackmail daddy.....

And clutch GOOD COD hehe that was a typo but I'm leaving it - ok I can not justify spending another $1000 on that, even though they are all ridiculously overpriced...

I guess I'm gonna have to keep shopping, I still haven't done Double Bay, and hope to stumble across shoe and bag sales???

MOVING ON, went to the Newtown Festival today
and while there, had one of those rare moments of feeling okay, what with the kids blowing bubbles, artsy/dreadlocksy/greeny/gay newtown type people all around, gourmet pizza, and a really great female singer who they just had to replace with some crazy guy in his underwear.....

and then its just wild oscillations into feeling shit

i fucking hate this fucking disease
i fucking hate that every minute i'm not living things, i'm worrying about what's next, that i want to fucking cry on the fucking train because i start thinking about things

i just don't want to live this life and i don't know if i can keep doing it all alone

i haven't been taking my meds, which is stupid i know, but it's like, i just don't care
i haven't organised psycho-person appointments post HSC
i can't be bothered i don't care
i hate this
i hate me
it is such hell and now i can just tell it's going to be one of those nights again

Friday, November 7, 2008

Just to break things up a bit....

because of course the effervescent, explosive, all-encompassing exuberant joy that my blog radiates might get a bit too much at times, and might annoy people who aren't always as happy as I am. So here's one of those thing that I think is really cool.
I think I'm going to try and spell out a sentence in the images that pop up on the first page of a google image search.That is, each word is an image. And I'll feel a great connection to humanity because of this, seeing other people's random pictures expressing what i feel...right... but the exciting bit is you can try and guess what I am saying!
(God, I am delusional today, not realising that the only people who read this are people looking for that song they heard on the Volkswagen ad......)


GEORGe clooney is reportedly dating krista allen again, who i'd never heard of but he dated her a few years ago or something and now their love has reblossomed
its not faaiiiir
he should be dating meeeeeee

its not fair
life is worthless
im never going to meet george clooney
i hate life
i have a headache
i hate life
i hate life
i hate myself
i don't want to sleep
i'm too tired
i miss the life that was not like this
this is headache emptiness no him no them thats not fair i do have friends i should appreciate them, the ones that leave you aren't friends
i hate my life
my head hurts
it hurt
and its late
and my life is over
and i hate it
and i won't get the UAI i was good enough to get because i am a failure
i don't know how i am going to live with myself
if and when my UAI is lower than my 1st estimate
this has been a shitty year in so many ways
and i don't like it now on the otherside of it

Thursday, November 6, 2008

long time no blog

yay for obama!
picked up a copy of "Michelle" the autobiography of his wife at Borders today because I love love love her and their gorgeous family. But then I had to stop reading it and put it back because it was making me feel inadequate. That's how I feel today. Useless and pathetic and a failure. Today was my last exam of high school and I don't feel happy, just empty. I don't think I've met my expectation. I hate being a mediocrite.