Monday, October 20, 2008

Basia Bulat

introduced to her music by a volkswagen eos ad of all things, am now addicted to it and find excuses to turn on the computer and listen while "studying"

little waltz - the song from the ad - all i could remember were the words you and i, we make a grand salute, like lost little birds, my love and i learned how to dance, but i never showed it to you... but they kept repeating in my head



Lyrics to Little Waltz :
You and I, we make a grand salute
stare at eachother like lost little birds across the room
and I remember the way you looked
I learned how to dance, but I'd never shown it to you

my love,
I know I was wrong, but you know that you'll always be
my love
stay for a while while our leaves are still green
please, for me

I know I tried, but it's hard sometimes
the roots don't take, it takes a while
and you pull at the strings
but they're broken, it seems
the dance isn't over for me, no

my love,
I know I was wrong, but you know that you'll always be
my love
stay for a while while our leaves are still green
please, for me

Snakes and Ladders



ETA: apparently I'm not the only one CAPTIVATED by the song, had a few hits from people googling the snatches of the lyrics that i remembered too. I think Volkswagen was really clever this time around, I mean for a few moments of insanity there I was actually all I really want an EOS, even though I can't drive....

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Poor Sausage Dogs

During WWI in Britain, Beethoven was banned and dachshunds were kicked with patriotic glee.

Depression Stigma in Australia

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=645407

"The latest beyondblue survey, released on Friday, found that just seven per cent of those questioned recognised anxiety as a major mental health problem, while 56 per cent recognised depression as a major health problem."

I still think that in Australia, if 44 percent of people think depression is not a major health problem, there's something wrong. Honestly, people just don't know, if they haven't gone through it, and they're so much more likely to dismiss it as feeling sad sometimes, and underestimate its severity, than to think of it as a serious illness.

"This is despite anxiety disorders being the most common of all mental health conditions, affecting one in four Australians at some stage of their lives, whereas depression is likely to affect one in five.

Beyondblue's national depression monitor survey, which questioned 3,200 people, is aimed at assessing changes in community awareness, understanding and stigma surrounding depression, anxiety and related disorders.

Other findings included:

* 32 per cent of respondents said people with depression could not be trusted in positions of responsibility, compared to 36 per cent in 2002.

*31 per cent said people with depression should not stand for political positions, compared to 43 per cent in 2002.

* 32 per cent believe people with severe depression are dangerous to others, compared to 38 per cent in 2002"

And this is pretty ridiculous. We can have politicians like ex-WA opposition leader Troy Buswell who sniffed chairs and snapped bra-straps, total failures like Iemma, corrupt greedy ones like Tripodi and Sartor and that woman in Wollongong, cranky waiter-abusing brats like Belinda Neal,for God's sake, but not someone with depression!

British Homefront in WWI

Didja know that by 1917 governmental control of citizen's lives had made it illegal to fly a kite or to throw bread to pigeons?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

What I used to want, back in the day.

Your hands

I want to touch your hands,
To run my fingers up the length of each of yours,
Trace each concentric whorl,
Ever so softly, ever so slowly.
I want to know each crease and fold.
I’d brush the hairs the wrong way and make them stand.
Climbing from cuticle to tip,
the crevices at the corner where skin and nail meet
in smooth, perfect, rounded union.



Tuesday, October 7, 2008

angry song of the day

Power Trip Ballad by Maria Mena

I love her music so much
she is like a me who can sing and is skinnier and whose fringe stays in place and has a boyfriend and is skinny and beautiful



Lyrics:

The way in which I feel is only a reflection of you
The devastating child of the power trip you forced me through
But how could he leave you
Could he fuck that whore he left you for
Get revenge

And by all means ask your nine year old daughter to choose between you
Don't stay friends
Now wittering on how he's the devil
He's just been falsely portrayed
But force her to go stay at his house once a week
Because you wanna get laid
Ha ha ha ha.

Ask me why he scares me
Do you wanna know why I'm angry?
Can't you tell I'm crying?
Mother I don't feel good

You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me

Your girl's in the bathroom washing her hands again
Why doesn't she eat?
Her father left us
What about me?
I can't rest
I can't sleep

Mommy loves you
I'm just tired of you and your other shit
And I didn't mean to hit you
But you were asking for it
Hahaha

Ask she scared me
Do you wanna know I'm angry?
Can't you tell I'm crying?
Mother I don't feel good


You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me
You will always be the bitter, saddest part of me

Are all divorces the same? Are there kids and teenagers and grown-ups all around the world who had the childhood I had? It is too weird to imagine, I think it's just out of the bajillion's of divorces that happen there've got to be atleast a few the same. So it's coincidental that hers was so similar to mine.

Monday, October 6, 2008

days

good things: got fierce summer strappy leather platform ish wooden base heels that i've been needing

got fierce studded tan belt

bad things: done jack all today
feel shitty
exams in nearly one week
freaking screwed
feel depressed
such a freaking inopportune time
just want it to be over and then don't because it's scary
faaaarrrrk
so much to do

i will do good tomorrow

depressing song of the day: My Lullaby by Maria Mena
for when you don't want a depressing song with a happy twist where a man saves you or something
you just want a depressing song that's depressing



something i can relate to, being a divorced child really young, feeling angry/sad at the past and present i have where my parents, namely my mother, still uses me as a pawn in the shitty divorce game

i don't ever want to be divorced

but sometimes i get scared i'll never have anyone and i'll grow to be thirty and alone and i can't stand that my dreams even today are just that someone loves me...


Maria Mena - My Lullaby lyrics

mom please tell me what to do
im so disappointed in you,
you said those words that made me cry
and you always wondered why
why i sing my lullaby

mom please hurry home to me
i waited up so patiently
you sit down and you start to cry
but you never ask me why
why i sing my lullaby

why i sing my lullaby

was it my fault they lead you in the wrong direction?
was it my fault they didnt show you any affection?
i show you when i start to cry
still you always wonder why
why i sing my lullaby

mom why love me if you're cold
you just get bitter then grow old
ask me when i start to weep
then i'll tell you in my sleep
why i sing my lullaby

*** I watched a live performance on youtube and she sung "he" in place of "they" as in

was it my fault he led you in the wrong direction?
was it my fault he didn't show you any affection?

i like it better that way
more divorce angst i guess lol
i am such a nooboid

it is very early in the morning

because i tried to sleep and i can't
it is the being left to my own thoughts bit that gets to me and leaves me shaken and crying and unable to just sleep
life just seems so horrible right now
i know its all in my perception of it but no its not its just horrible horrible horrible
and its unfair
its unfair
its not fair that this is my life

i want my childhood back but not too early because that was a shitty time but even just a few years ago when i didn't know feelings

i want my friends back but i never will have them they don't care and they made new friends that they rub into my face and i hate that i lie awake at night wishing for what i had wishing for better times where everything could be forgotten but it can't be

i hate this
i don't know what to say
every second every minute is torturous okay its not like im being waterboarded but i just cant stand it how am i meant to just go to sleep and wake up and keep going when everything has fallen down and they don't care no matter how much i want them to and i don't get how i am meant to just keep doing this stupid thing how do i make it through this stupid night i can't do this its so hard and people they just don't care some do but not enough and the ones you want to they just don't not at all people are so inherently selfish

its probably all going to be better in the morning

Sunday, October 5, 2008

the ah hah moment!!!

i love discovering songs that i feel, that were made for me and i feel every single word, well i guess words don't mean that much in isolation, but every single line i guess i mean, and each line upon line in a cumulative building effect like BAM

here is one

by Maria Mena, who is absolutely my musical love right now. She went through anorexia and depression. Difficult childhood and divorced parents, like me.
She's norwegian, apparently a popstar, but I don't think this can be pop music, the lyrics are actually meaningful.



Bye Bye

I couldn't change him if I tried
I couldn't be his doll even if I wanted to
'cause I'm me not you..
I couldn't be a little girl
I couldn't walk around like I had no clue
'cause I'm me not you..

Look where you've got me this time
I'm up against the wall like I commited a crime
Take care, I hope never to see you here,
bye, bye, I promise not to cry, bye, bye..

I couldn't lead them on like mice
i couldn't fool them all, that's not something I do
'cause I'm me not you..
I couldn't hide my purple eyes
I couldn't swallow them and not even chew
'cause I'm me not you..

Look where you've got me this time
I'm up against the wall like I commited a crime
Take care, I hope never to see you here,
bye, bye, I promise not to cry, bye, bye..

Your disguise is not fooling me
your embrace is not comfoting
and I can't follow you around
'cause I see your evil ways
and it kills your innocence
But I still followed you around...

ETA:

OK, this is entirely lame, but whenever i see her pics, i feel so jealous!!! She's so gorgeously skinny. I know she was anorexic and that's bad. But she's so pretty and thin. Sigh.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Friday, October 3, 2008

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

So goddamned, godforsakenly lonely

I COULD TELL FROM THE MINUTE I WOKE UP IT WAS GOING TO BE A LONELY, LONELY, LONELY, LONELY DAY

i couldn't actually really, it's more when the night hits but i could tell that it was going to be empty and hard and i wasted too much time today i have to better tomorrow

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life

i miss everything i used to be and have

i miss him even though he doesn't miss me and never will i think i will until i am whole again

oh shit

Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.




"Another Lonely Day"

Yes indeed, I'm alone again.
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.

Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
And now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now, it's just another lonely day.

Yesterday seems like a life ago,
'cause the one I love today, I hardly know,
You I held so close in my heart, Oh dear,
Grow further from me with every fallen tear.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.

Ben Harper