Monday, July 28, 2008

not a good time

i feel, i feel, i really don't like saying those words but i feel bad. suicidal. wanting to die and thinking about cutting my wrists but i don't really have anything because stupid me uses those razors with soap attached, so its not like i can get a razor blade out shit i feel stupid typing this but its the way my mind thinks even if it seems so fake written down.

i partially know why i am feeling so shit and partially don't want to go into it but maybe i should. there's this friend that i lost, well 2 actually, and i'm really not taking it well, i mean its been atleast 3 weeks since i categorically lost them and i'm still not over it. it honestly reminds me of charlotte york in sex and the city, in that you are allowed to spend half the time you went out with them grieving over the breakup, but for me it was just friendship.

and its partially,well one of them anyway, i lost them because i told them. just being honest part of the time about how i felt. told them about meds, doctors, crap stuff happening. i guess i shouldnt have. it was just really hard doing it all on my own. and i wouldnt have told them if i knew this would happen

Saturday, July 26, 2008

THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER PLUS ONE WEEK OF SCHOOL AND I FEEL LIKE I'VE HARDLY DONE ANYTHING

and now it is crunch time, captain crunch time, they don't have that cereal here

so much to do, insanely so much to do, and so little time

i just have to keep believing that everything is going to work out fine, that i will work hard in the last moments and do well as I always do, because I always do do well despite not being able to study regularly throughout the term, I am very good at using time well near the exams

in other matters

I organised the 'care plan' that means i get referred to the psychologist by the medical centre and then i get a huge rebate so I end up paying nothing or next to nothing for 16 sessions a year, and it is good that it is mid july now because 16 sessions will about take me to the end of this year

except the stupid thing is that i gave them my mobile number to call me and make the appointment but i can't find my charger and the battery is dead, and i keep putting off calling them. Do you know the sort of lethargy where you know you really should be doing something but just can't be bothered?

I also haven't taken my meds for quite a few days. I'm just in such a rush in the morning, and then don't bother in the afternoon, then it is night time and if I take them that late they keep me awake for hours. I know this is bad and probably contributing to how much time I am spending in bed lately, as I find myself atleast slightly more energetic and awake with Lovan/Prozac.

I promise I will do everything tomorrow. I am meeting Pony at the library to study. She is a doll and has been such a good friend, especially when I call her up crying, then hang up and call 20 minutes later, and sometimes do that 4 times an afternoon, he he it sounds pretty pathetic but she has been so nice and is such a great person.
I think losing some friends makes me all the more thankful for what I've got with the ones that stick around.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

First Real Post

Ok, so I tried to type that in the title box, but honestly, it turned my words into Arabic whenever I hit the space bar. Maybe I clicked something weird in my settings.

Well anyhow, back to business, this is my first real post. I used to have all these really bad angsty poems, but I got embarassed and deleted them, and decided if I'm going to do a blog properly, which I am, and this is a proper blog, I've got to have direction and focus.

Unfortunately it is late at night and I don't feel like elaborating on any of the things I should be. Thinking about the messy state of my life right now really pains me quite exquisitely. Especially considering the way I have wasted the last, yes it hurts to add this up, basically 11 full days. And they aren't just days, these are really important days to me. I have huge exams in 3 weeks. Or possibly 2. I can't even find my exam timetable.


And my whole life hinges on doing fabulously well in them.

Well I am making a promise to myself that things will change starting from tomorrow. I will get a lot of things done. I have to post off some tax things, get my Lovan 20mg prescription filled for the first time ever because my old doctor used to just dole out boxes as if it was candy that just happened to have that distinctively disgusting fluoxetine hydrochloride taste. It sure keeps you coming back doesn't it, good old Prozac. I have to organise 2 other medical things which I will tell you about next time.

God, I am even more depressed, because I really need to work my ass off to recompense for the weeks I've spent in bed all day, and crying all night. Holidays are so dangerous for me, being out of touch with everything and everyone. I will have a good, productive day tomorrow.

I need to.