not a good time

i feel, i feel, i really don't like saying those words but i feel bad. suicidal. wanting to die and thinking about cutting my wrists but i don't really have anything because stupid me uses those razors with soap attached, so its not like i can get a razor blade out shit i feel stupid typing this but its the way my mind thinks even if it seems so fake written down.

i partially know why i am feeling so shit and partially don't want to go into it but maybe i should. there's this friend that i lost, well 2 actually, and i'm really not taking it well, i mean its been atleast 3 weeks since i categorically lost them and i'm still not over it. it honestly reminds me of charlotte york in sex and the city, in that you are allowed to spend half the time you went out with them grieving over the breakup, but for me it was just friendship.

and its partially,well one of them anyway, i lost them because i told them. just being honest part of the time about how i felt. told them about meds, doctors, crap stuff happening. i guess i shouldnt have. it was just really hard doing it all on my own. and i wouldnt have told them if i knew this would happen