Monday, December 15, 2008

It's all pretend

inside I am nothing. Or maybe it's not. Maybe the smiles and laughs are real at the time. I'm just left with the alone, the sunburn, the tears, the emptiness inside. My chest aches. This is really really hard and I don't know what I'm meant to do since I'm going away tomorrow for a month without friends and just an hour ago I was looking forward to it.. but now I don't know. I know that it's always so hard and I'm sick of it. I want to go home. I want to feel not alone. I want a rock of a person to care and make it all go away and love.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


6 days until HSC subject results
7 days until UAI

The waiting is agonising. I don't know what I am going to do if/when I don't achieve high enough results to satisfy myself. There's nothing I can do now but wait.
Puck you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

You are not alone

"...the closer they get, the more they injure each other..."

I watched the Evangelion movie as part of this Japanese Film Festival at George Street cinemas. I love Evangelion! The height of my obsession peaked 4 years ago, in year 8, but I feel like getting into it again.

It was the Evangelion 1.0 You are not alone film

"It is the first of four films released in the Rebuild of Evangelion tetralogy based on the original anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion. It was produced and co-distributed by Anno's Studio Khara.

The plot is largely a point-for-point adaptation of episodes 1 through 6 of the original Evangelion series. While some scenes and events are replications of the original series, others unfold differently with new or omitted scenes and newly-available 3D CG technology.

After the end credits, a trailer for the next film, Evangelion: 2.0 You Can (Not) Advance, was shown." (

I thought the animation was beautiful,and I loved the explanations, the tiny added bits, the art details! And of course I love the story. Not just mecha robots fighting awesomely evil and mysterious angels, but the human plotline. People think Shinji is a wuss with his constant angst ("I am nothing...nobody wants me... I don't want to live...I am alone"), that Rei is weird for being so alone (she says "I have nothing else" other than piloting the eva and pleasing Gendo.) But I understand how Shinji feels - it is what I feel.

I definitely accredit this to Hideaki Anno, director of Neon Genesis Evangelion, who suffered depression. According to Wiki - "Many believe that Anno's four-year period of depression was the main source for many of the psychological elements of the series and its characters, as he wrote down on paper many of the trials and tribulations of his condition."

Ritsuko: Well, I would guess that Shinji isn't exactly the sort of person who makes friends easily. Do you know the fable the "Hedgehogs' dilemma"?
Misato: Hedgehog? You mean those animals with the spiny hair?
Ritsuko: Even though a hedgehog may want to become close with another hedgehog, the closer they get, the more they injure each other with their spines. It's the same with some humans. The reason he seems so withdrawn, is because he's afraid of being hurt.
Misato: Well, he's just, going to have to learn, someday, that part of growing up means, finding a way to interact with others, without distancing pain.

Monday, December 8, 2008

I am not ok

I am alone. This is stupid. I want it to end. I am so sick of this life. I am sick of trying. A nondepressed, skinnier person is always going to be more attractive, better liked, better appreciated, accepted as a best friend, and won't lose their best friends like I do. It's not fair. I am kind of smart and I have really good taste and aesthetics and I try real hard and I care so much and I look real nice too if I try to and then it just doesn't matter and I have a headache. I have no one.

Friday, December 5, 2008

I am so angry

I need to slowly get rid of the bitterness because it's doing me no good. The more I hurt over things past, the more I, alone, suffer.


Feeling good right now, but then of course the inevitable thought has to pop up - how long is it going to last? What will it feel like when I swing back down?

It's funny that depression never seems so temporary, its only the happiness that fades.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

It's not fair

I hate my parents. I don't want to go and see them. And then I have to feel guilty. I wish I was a testube child in the World State, where mother, father and family are "smut." It feels like smut to me. I hate my parents. Both of them. They always let me down. I hate my life. I hate the people who leave me.