Monday, September 29, 2008

i don't know if i'm coping

or not
it is just
so much lethargy
can't be bothered to get help
can't be bothered to take medication


so much to be doing
i'm not going to let this ruin my life, not now

but it's like living 2 lives
the life of the day, the anonymity of being someone who can study hard in a library

the life of the night, in home, when i should be studying, but instead am sleeping for 15 hours, or crying or listening to sad music to make myself cry, surfing the internet mindlessly, watching half of 90210, not getting any pleasure from such distractions

i need to start studying the nights away too so at least i have the satisfaction of hard work and meeting my goals

my mouth tastes yucky like toothpaste

i've had a very unproductive last few days, been in bed, or staring into space like a zombie, wasting a lot of time on public transport

i am worried that the taste at the back of my mouth is the taste of the steak i half ate that i tried to cook but one bit flipped over and wasn't cooked and i bit and spit out a raw hunk

yuck yuck yuck

The Beatles

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

i want to stop her ruining my life every single day but i don't know how it just seems there is no end to what she can do i just can't wait until i am free i want to be on my own and start life over by myself with no one else to embarass me and say things about me and ruin me and god this is a shitty day and it is just ruined i don't know where to go or what to do i just don't know what i am going to do i know i need to study and do scholarships but i can't when i am ruined like this when everything is shit and people are being so mean to me i don't understand

Monday, September 22, 2008

Another Failure- questioning the worth of my life.

We failed, and partly, maybe even largely, maybe I was even the shittiest, due to me. I hate life. I hate sucking. I hate not knowing that I suck and then finding out that I suck and it all makes sense and in the back of my head I knew that I sucked but I knew too late and couldn't fix it and deliver a PROPER GODDAMNED SPEECH. I SUCK AND I HATE IT. I JUST WANT TO BE GOOD AND I KNOW I HAVE IT IN ME.

And afterwards, I don't want to go back to my life, my shitty empty life with no one in it.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Worst day ever

Too exhausted, maybe write later.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Life Stinks

I had a whole hating post about hating people then my computer froze and I lost it which is perhaps a fortuitous thing. So I decided pictures of skunks could lighten the mood, and surprisingly they are cute. I want one for a pet, except it might do the spray on me then nobody would come near me. How prejudiced the human race is! Life DOES stink though. IT STINKS IT STINKS IT STINKS I TELL YOU. IT STIIIIIINKS.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Another failure

I've had a huge, embarassing, horrific debating failure. I suck so badly and am so shit. No I'm not. Argh. I want to prove myself, that I am better than what I've shown. I have a chance tomorrow night, but there is pressure and I have to make sure it makes me perform better rather than worse. I am so just empty. There's no other word for it. I don't feel intensely sad or angry, just empty inside, with a dull ache. I just wish I could be good enough, the best.

Monday, September 15, 2008

i am depressed and i want to die
i am alone and there is nobody
i dont have a family or friends

Bye Bye Childhood

This is my last week of school ever. After this I have three weeks of "study vacation," how fun, that was sarcasm in case you didn't notice, aaaaaaah it will be alright though I guess. After that I have my three weeks of exams, six exams, that will determine my future. Ok so it's not really that Godzilla climactic, like luckily for me I guess my marks are good enough to get in to the course I want to do - Law combined with something or other - at the uni I want to go to - Sydney University. But the big whopping deal is I want their freaking $10,000 a year scholarship which you automatically get given if you meet this certain mark criteria with your UAI, which is basically your marks in every subject added up and scaled around. So I want that 10 grand badly. Not just for the money but so I don't feel like I've failed all my fantastic super duper potential, well that sounds corny, but you know what I mean.

I don't know. Sometimes I just don't care about my future. I don't want to leave school because it is familiar and a routine where I get to see the same people everyday and feel comfortable. In many ways it is sheltered and easy. There are people to sit with and talk with at lunch, and during class you don't have to talk to people, you can just do your work. Not much room for social anxiety if you stick to the people you know. I don't want to venture out into the big bad world. I am really irationally scared to get into debating at Uni in case I'm not good enough to go to Worlds and stuff, not good enough at something so important to me and that I want to be the best at.

I don't want to screw up my exams. I want to do better than the people who've stopped being my friends. Well there are only two of them, but I want to do better than them. It's a shitty motivation I know, but maybe I'm a shitty person, so whatever motivates me, even if it is evil and conniving, I'll take.

I'll have to study really hard really soon. But tonight I think I'm just going to bed.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

I don't know if I did the right thing.

I kind of just do things without thinking these days because I don't really care about the consequences anymore. Told a friend about this blog. Gave the link. It's a big deal to be able to talk openly about my depression. Here was the conversation:

it's not going to stop says:
it's not going to stop says:
show anyone and ill kill you
it's not going to stop says:
it's not going to stop says:
it's not going to stop says:
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
i shan't
the dolphins are taking over the world! says: spend so much time on your blog
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
and the writing is quite beautiful acutlaly
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
despite it containing horrible things
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
that picture of the girl is so disturbingg
eek..the cuts on her arrms
it's not going to stop says:
ur not reading it r u?

the dolphins are taking over the world! says:well i skimmed itt
the style is quite elegant
it's not going to stop says:
u stink
it's not going to stop says:
i hate u
it's not going to stop says:
u stink
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
u know how most people if they're emo are: i hate everyone. i wish they'd diee blah blah
it's not going to stop says:
i hate u
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
but urs is different

Is it Jealousy?

This feeling of inadequacy, that everyone else is doing better than me, strides ahead and miles high above me. They are achieving and fine on their own. They make new friends and network and build futures with other people. Even other depressed people, friends of friends, or sisters of acquaintances, are doing great and apparently holding everything together.

I feel like such a failure at this thing called life. And its not even any particular tangible thing I've failed at, or maybe it's just everything, that my failures in academics, in debating, in all the things that define who I am, have become unbearable. I don't know if this is a manifestation of failure, this overwhelming yet hard to pinpoint feeling of not being enough, not doing enough, living a life day to day without actively recovering or being happy.

I mean I am a very jealous person, which is sad I know. Seeing someone really thin on the street makes me SOOOOO jealous, well only if they have a decent or better face as well. I am jealous of skinny bitches, skinny nice people, people who get better grades and debate better than me, those bitches who look great in skinny leg jeans, celebrities who get dressed by designers for free, okay the list goes on...

Maybe this is the worst type of jealousy, the type where I feel inadequate at this thing called being a human being when I think about how well other people are living and enjoying and achieving marvellous things in their lives. I feel like I am nothing compared to them, and that I am too lethargic to do anything about it, just existing is hard enough anyway. I used to want so much to be perfect,it was the one thing that defined my childhood and life as a student, it used to drive me crazy. I don't know who I am anymore when even pursuing perfection has just become too much.

Insomnia and revelations of failure

Photo Credits:

Girl, 13, hangs herself after becoming obsessed with 'Emo suicide cult' rock band

It is 12:14 am and I can not sleep. This is so stupid because I need to get up early tomorrow and study. I am meeting a friend at the library, whoop-dee-freaking-doo. Well excuse the fatigue induced sarcasm, it was actually going to be a great fun day because I study better, well I actually do study rather than watching Australia's Next Top Model and Project Runway Australia and USA on youtube, when there is someone with me.

GOAOAOAOASJASKJADSJ! I am angry! Angry! At myself for being me. I am sick of being me. I hate it and I feel like an idiot. I tried to cut myself tonight, I feel like an absolute idiot saying that, like an emo wannabe moody teenager with died black hair and skinny leg jeans who writes crappy poetry about bleeding hearts and cutting to release the beautiful red blood like rivers gosh please slap me, kill me before I become one of those! It didn't work, I even couldn't even draw blood, even though I didn't do it with like a butter knife or plastic fork, but sharp sewing scissors and no, I fail at this too, although I don't know what I want to do. Like, it just didn't work, but I know it was because I was too scared to really try and go deep so I didn't it was just like scratching so It's not like I could expect rivulets of blood. I don't know. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I feel completely detached sometimes and far away from anything around me. I don't want this life and I am in a shitty place so I am sorry I am not writing a great mental health blog about recovery and all that shit because I don't know shit about pharmaceutical companies and thinking positive. I'm a failure at everything. I want to die and I also am too scared to die and don't want to.

But something that does interest me - END EMO RANT - is this whole cutting thing. I honestly agree it is its sensationalisation and not really glamorous depiction but maybe slightly so, in the media, in movies and books and its saturation in popular culture, that makes kids think of it. I don't think there is some ancient human instinct from caveman times to hurt oneself when feeling bad. To manifest physical pain when our psyche is distressed. Or maybe there is. Maybe Homo Sapiens put his hand into the fires they made or banged his head with rocks.

But honestly, the way "cutting" is presented in movies like Thirteen, in books like the Babysitters Club spinoff about Dawn and her edgy friends, on the TV Show Seventh Heaven - I am talking here about my own exposure during my time of growing up in the turn of the millenium - makes it something to do. It puts the idea into little kiddie's heads, like me, that it is thing to do if you are depressed, maybe even a cool thing to do, where you can wear bandaids on your wrists and a boy at school will notice and start loving you, all your friends will start caring, and life will be great although glamorously depressing.

I feel like a right tool. I know for some people cutting is a serious problem, don't mean to denigrate that. And its like I have all the urges on the inside waiting to erupt, when shit things happen like I stuff up an exam or a boy insinuates that I'm fat - which I am not, sure I've put on weight, but I'm still 5"11', I am not that fat, just not thin like I used to be, I do things like scratch myself until I break the skin and stuff, but I guess I won't be conforming to the whole wristslitters lifestyle anytime soon.

I wish people would take me seriously without me feeling like I need to resort to that. I think the whole "they're just doing it for the attention" argument about cutting does have some credence. Maybe not for everyone. But I think for a lot of sufferers, self harm is a cry for help.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

This is killing me

I hate how I am so unbalanced and obsessive about things that I've lost. He is not my friend anymore. We haven't been friends for at least three months now, ever since one of us, I can't remember which, stopped talking to the other, I can't remember why.

I know it was after I told him. And so I ignored him all the more once I thought he stopped caring. And he made friends with the girls at school who are really loud and laugh all the time. I can't believe it happened, two years of almost-best friendery imploded and now its at the stage where I want to talk to him, but I don't know what I'd say. And then I don't want to talk to him because I hate him for not trying harder to salvage this. He sent me an email about a month ago, after we won a debating-type thing together saying that he wanted our friendship back and that he was here for me more than ever. But I just couldn't believe it and wouldn't. Because it was an email that came 2 months too late. I'd sent him an email 2 months before that, saying that I was sorry for telling him about my issues, about my depression, about my family situation, for changing our relationship when he'd never asked to be the one to hear me cry and be so down all the time. And he just didn't reply to it. It was so difficult to send, I cried, and he just didn't reply until two months later, conveniently the day after exams ended. Meanwhile, I had spent two months totally comatose, just every day, sleeping my holidays and weekends away, screwing myself up for exams.

Writing all this makes me angry and less mournful. But seeing him makes me so sad. Seeing him everyday. Seeing his name on MSN. It hurts every time. I really don't want to, but I miss him so much. But there's nothing I can do. I want things back the way they were. I wish I'd never told him. Or really, I wish that he would have cared. Cared enough that he would have been there for me through everything. That he wouldn't have been able to stop talking to me and watch me fall apart every day without saying one word to me, watch me cry in class and do nothing, just laugh with his new friends in front of me. It hurts so much.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Nobody Knows

Do you like to see me broken?
Do you just not care?

They just don't understand what it feels like. I can't blame them I guess, but it is hard doing this on my own. I think nobody takes it seriously, and I am letting it destroy my life. I want to stop this now but I don't know if I can. I need to get back on track or I'll have cost myself so much. I want to live and not just pass each minute like they are hell to endure. I don't want to live this way.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Depressing Music Playlist

There are times when I feel inexplicably, suddenly, horribly down. And all I want to do is listen to depressing music, words that express how I feel. I can't stand happy songs at these times, or love songs.

So these are the top eight because I can't think of ten right now saddest songs I've got in no order because I don't think I could rate sad songs in sadness, that would just be way too depressing for me right now (ha ha Annie Lennox pun, do you get it? no? okay I am lame.)

1. Breathe Me by Sia
2. The Saddest Song I've Got by Annie Lennox
3. Save Me by Aimee Mann
4. November by Azure Ray
5. No Surprises by Radiohead
6. Worn Me Down by Rachael Yamagata
7. My Skin by Natalie Merchant
8. Just Hold Me by Maria Mena

I really need more songs, please reply with your choices in depressing music that keeps you going through the shitty lows of life!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Is Angelina Jolie Depressed?

A few different sources are reporting that Ange is suffering from PND after giving birth to her twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. I don't know how true these claims are, as every article relies on that tattle-taling, unnamed "insider."

According to UK's Now Magazine:

Angelina Jolie is apparently tired and emotional following the birth of her twins.

The actress and partner Brad Pitt, 44, had Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon on 13 July.

But insiders claim the mum-of-six has rarely left her French home since they were born.

‘She has been trying to control her emotions but her mood swings have been hard on the entire family,' a source tells In Touch.

'She has been staying in bed most of the time - all she does is sleep.

'She cries at the drop of a hat and laughs at inappropriate times.'

Friends of Ange, 33, are said to think she may be suffering from post-natal depression.

‘Everyone around her is hoping that she will talk to someone about how she is feeling,’ the source adds.

Angelina is also mum to adopted kids Maddox, 7, Pax, 4, and Zahara, 3, and daughter Shiloh, 2.

The Melbourne Herald Sun, The UK Sun and India's SIFY are also reporting this, but at the moment I do question how true it is because the big guns like People, OK, and WHO haven't jumped on board. I do hope she is doing well, it must be pretty hard work looking after six kids now! Perhaps it is weird considering the fact that I don't know her, but I think that weird thing where we tend to feel very close to celebrities we don't know at all, applies here. She is just such an effortlessly beautiful human being, and does lots of great charity work too. I really hope she is alright, especially considering her history of depression, not to mention all the weird blood rituals she did with Billy Bob Thornton. is reporting that they are getting therapy.....hmmm...

"Friends close to Brad say Angelina is battling to bond with the twins and has asked Brad to take over the reins. “Ange is suffering from post-partum depression and is not coping right now. She’s just really down. Her spirits are really low,” reveals a source.

Coupled with all that responsibility and taking care of the other children, things between Brad and Ange are not going as well as planned. “Brad is happy that his folks paid a visit to France to help out, but he still wants to go back to LA where his friends and family are,” says a friend. Which is completely understandable. There he will get the help and support he needs to be a good father to six children.

Family dynamics shaken
Those close to the couple say the twins have also had a massive effect on the family dynamics. “Little Shiloh isn’t the baby anymore. She has been throwing tantrums and screaming for no reason.” And poor Maddox! All of a sudden he has to play big brother to five siblings, who don’t even speak the same language!

But Ange is refusing to budge and wont move back to the US just yet. Instead she has insisted they try therapy sessions before making a final decision.

“They phone the same psychotherapist they used when they were staying in New York. They just need some help. Everything is so overwhelming and they seem to be battling with the basics,” says a family member."

Well if it turns out to be true, I hope Ange gets all the help she needs!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

R.I.P. Mark Priestley

From his recently updated Wikipedia page

Mark Priestley (9 August 1976 – 27 August 2008) was an Australian actor. Born in Perth, Western Australia, he graduated from the National Institute of Dramatic Art (NIDA) with a degree in Performing Arts (acting) in 1999. His first big TV break was when he appeared in The Farm in 2000 and met director Kate Woods. She gave him a role in her mini-series Changi in 2001.

Priestley played a semi-regular role in The Secret Life of Us and appeared in Blue Heelers before his first on-air appearance in All Saints in July 2004. Priestley was a long-time friend of Wil Traval, his co-star on All Saints. The two were known to get up to countless pranks on set.

Priestley also had some notable theatre credits. He worked with the Bell Shakespeare Company, playing Silvio in The Servant of Two Masters, as well as with The Sydney Theatre Company in Major Barbara, both in 2003.

On the afternoon of 27 August 2008 Priestley checked into the Swissotel in Market Street, Sydney, under the name 'Damien Barker'. He was found dead on an awning of the Myer store at Pitt Street, on the corner of Market Street, at 2pm. Police sources said the 32-year-old jumped from the Swissotel and was killed instantly. There are unconfirmed reports he plunged from a 22nd-floor room. The actor was believed to have been suffering from depression.

A statement issued by the Seven Network said that Priestley was a "tremendous young person" who was loved and respected by the cast and crew of All Saints. Seven’s Director of Programming and Production, Tim Worner, wrote in the statement: "Mark was such a brilliant artist ... his work on stage and screen was admired by everybody who knew him."

How thoroughly sad. And it always makes me feel connected, like with Charmaine Dragun's suicide, when they reveal they have depression, like I know what he was going through, even though I'm sure I don't really. Just the sheer loneliness, having nobody to talk to, life being too painful and unbearable. I can imagine the split decision, jumping before you lose your nerve. I do hope he is at peace now. Maybe that is a stupid thing to say. I don't know anything about death, I don't think I believe in heaven, so maybe there is no peace for someone who kills themselves. But I do mourn him.

The paradox of getting help

I am a massive procrastinator. Being depressed makes me procrastinate even more, sometimes out of laziness, sometimes out of tiredness, and sometimes out of sheer necessity. As in I just can't do ANYTHING. Sheer necessity reminds me of the BARE NECESSITIES, THE BEAR NECESSITIES, DOO DOO DOO, (from The Jungle Book!)Anyway, its just that the worse I am, the more that I need help, the more I feel incapable of getting out of bed and actively seeking it. I haven't been taking my happy pills either. I feel like I've been living in a daze, in oblivion, which is a god damned stupid thing to be doing when I have the HSC - as in the exams my life and university and scholarships depends on IN LESS THAN 6 WEEKS! AAAH!

So basically I have left it DISGUSTINGLY LONG without seeking help. As in a psychologist. In a previous post I explained how the first psychologists I contacted went down the drain, and now I guess I go to the freaking GP again and get a different referral, or I call the psychologists clinic, tell them off, and ask for another appointment with the stipulation that they only ring my mobile number, and don't disclose any more medical information to anyone but me!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Family problems

She wouldn't drive me to school.

I hate having this life. It is too hard and I can't deal with it. Every minute is painful.

I don't know if I can say it without sounding pretentious, but I hate being abused by my mother, because that is what I think it is. And coupled with my mental illness, it is just too much.