Sunday, September 14, 2008
Is it Jealousy?
This feeling of inadequacy, that everyone else is doing better than me, strides ahead and miles high above me. They are achieving and fine on their own. They make new friends and network and build futures with other people. Even other depressed people, friends of friends, or sisters of acquaintances, are doing great and apparently holding everything together.
I feel like such a failure at this thing called life. And its not even any particular tangible thing I've failed at, or maybe it's just everything, that my failures in academics, in debating, in all the things that define who I am, have become unbearable. I don't know if this is a manifestation of failure, this overwhelming yet hard to pinpoint feeling of not being enough, not doing enough, living a life day to day without actively recovering or being happy.
I mean I am a very jealous person, which is sad I know. Seeing someone really thin on the street makes me SOOOOO jealous, well only if they have a decent or better face as well. I am jealous of skinny bitches, skinny nice people, people who get better grades and debate better than me, those bitches who look great in skinny leg jeans, celebrities who get dressed by designers for free, okay the list goes on...
Maybe this is the worst type of jealousy, the type where I feel inadequate at this thing called being a human being when I think about how well other people are living and enjoying and achieving marvellous things in their lives. I feel like I am nothing compared to them, and that I am too lethargic to do anything about it, just existing is hard enough anyway. I used to want so much to be perfect,it was the one thing that defined my childhood and life as a student, it used to drive me crazy. I don't know who I am anymore when even pursuing perfection has just become too much.