Saturday, September 13, 2008
This is killing me
I hate how I am so unbalanced and obsessive about things that I've lost. He is not my friend anymore. We haven't been friends for at least three months now, ever since one of us, I can't remember which, stopped talking to the other, I can't remember why.
I know it was after I told him. And so I ignored him all the more once I thought he stopped caring. And he made friends with the girls at school who are really loud and laugh all the time. I can't believe it happened, two years of almost-best friendery imploded and now its at the stage where I want to talk to him, but I don't know what I'd say. And then I don't want to talk to him because I hate him for not trying harder to salvage this. He sent me an email about a month ago, after we won a debating-type thing together saying that he wanted our friendship back and that he was here for me more than ever. But I just couldn't believe it and wouldn't. Because it was an email that came 2 months too late. I'd sent him an email 2 months before that, saying that I was sorry for telling him about my issues, about my depression, about my family situation, for changing our relationship when he'd never asked to be the one to hear me cry and be so down all the time. And he just didn't reply to it. It was so difficult to send, I cried, and he just didn't reply until two months later, conveniently the day after exams ended. Meanwhile, I had spent two months totally comatose, just every day, sleeping my holidays and weekends away, screwing myself up for exams.
Writing all this makes me angry and less mournful. But seeing him makes me so sad. Seeing him everyday. Seeing his name on MSN. It hurts every time. I really don't want to, but I miss him so much. But there's nothing I can do. I want things back the way they were. I wish I'd never told him. Or really, I wish that he would have cared. Cared enough that he would have been there for me through everything. That he wouldn't have been able to stop talking to me and watch me fall apart every day without saying one word to me, watch me cry in class and do nothing, just laugh with his new friends in front of me. It hurts so much.