Monday, September 15, 2008

Bye Bye Childhood

This is my last week of school ever. After this I have three weeks of "study vacation," how fun, that was sarcasm in case you didn't notice, aaaaaaah it will be alright though I guess. After that I have my three weeks of exams, six exams, that will determine my future. Ok so it's not really that Godzilla climactic, like luckily for me I guess my marks are good enough to get in to the course I want to do - Law combined with something or other - at the uni I want to go to - Sydney University. But the big whopping deal is I want their freaking $10,000 a year scholarship which you automatically get given if you meet this certain mark criteria with your UAI, which is basically your marks in every subject added up and scaled around. So I want that 10 grand badly. Not just for the money but so I don't feel like I've failed all my fantastic super duper potential, well that sounds corny, but you know what I mean.

I don't know. Sometimes I just don't care about my future. I don't want to leave school because it is familiar and a routine where I get to see the same people everyday and feel comfortable. In many ways it is sheltered and easy. There are people to sit with and talk with at lunch, and during class you don't have to talk to people, you can just do your work. Not much room for social anxiety if you stick to the people you know. I don't want to venture out into the big bad world. I am really irationally scared to get into debating at Uni in case I'm not good enough to go to Worlds and stuff, not good enough at something so important to me and that I want to be the best at.

I don't want to screw up my exams. I want to do better than the people who've stopped being my friends. Well there are only two of them, but I want to do better than them. It's a shitty motivation I know, but maybe I'm a shitty person, so whatever motivates me, even if it is evil and conniving, I'll take.

I'll have to study really hard really soon. But tonight I think I'm just going to bed.

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