Monday, August 25, 2008

mood swings up and down like a rollercoaster for lack of a better description

I was originally going to do a whole gosh im a failure and life sucks post but then I went off and drew a picture.

I think that art is really good therapy.
I started yesterday, I sketched the daffodils in a vase on our kitchen table
then today i just did two sort of abstract pictures, just fun and I feel quite good now.

I feel bad though for not posting because I was going to take this whole blog thing seriously because I really like reading depression and bipolar blogs (sound like a masochist much?) honestly, I do. Especially when they are funny, like I love the Trouble With Spikol and Liz Spikol's videos, which if you haven't read or seen you must do so at:

So this was going to be a great teen depression blog because I haven't read any of those and apparently lots of teenagers are depressed. Which leads me to thinking about teen angst. I find it extremely irritating when teenagers who have depression or strong emotions are labelled as "angst-ridden," but if you're middle aged and balding those emotions become understandable and worth sympathy. The stereotype of a suicidal, wrist-slitting, drug-taking teenager, I must admit, has become a completely annoying cliche though. I do understand that it is easier for adults to just dismiss it as a phase, or a form of attention seeking. But I do get annoyed that nobody really takes what I'm going through seriously. I know I can't expect other people to understand how draining and life-consuming depression is, and that it is actually a mental illness, not just a bad mood that comes and goes.

I think depression just doesn't sound very serious in terms of its name. Even Bipolar sounds much more sinister. I feel rather stupid telling people I have "depression." Of course I haven't told many people, I've had to tell basically two teachers at school in terms of getting illness and misadventure for my exams so that my marks can be adjusted. Which I am extremely stressed about, because I don't think they will push my marks up high enough where they deserve to be. I really screwed up chemistry and part of maths because I was feeling really crap in the days before those exams, whereas in previous exam weeks I've been doing really well, getting full marks or high marks. So I am so worried. And also, about the teachers at school, I am bloody stressed that they've been telling all the other teachers.

I don't know how paranoid I am being, but today a deputy principal who hasn't talked to me for like a year asked me how I was. And I don't know if it was just because we walked past each other, or it was a loaded question she felt she had to ask because she KNOWS. I think I will ask one of the teachers tomorrow about my marks, and also about who knows.

Because, oh my gosh, the most annoying thing, is that I think the freaking principal knows. And she is an utter troll. Peeves the bejeezus out of me. She keeps asking me "are you ok?" in front of my peers. And I know it is a loaded question. AND I AM NOT BEING PARANOID. She doesn't ask anyone else this.

Ugh. School was once like an escape, and now it is giving me so much stress.

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