it is very early in the morning

because i tried to sleep and i can't
it is the being left to my own thoughts bit that gets to me and leaves me shaken and crying and unable to just sleep
life just seems so horrible right now
i know its all in my perception of it but no its not its just horrible horrible horrible
and its unfair
its unfair
its not fair that this is my life

i want my childhood back but not too early because that was a shitty time but even just a few years ago when i didn't know feelings

i want my friends back but i never will have them they don't care and they made new friends that they rub into my face and i hate that i lie awake at night wishing for what i had wishing for better times where everything could be forgotten but it can't be

i hate this
i don't know what to say
every second every minute is torturous okay its not like im being waterboarded but i just cant stand it how am i meant to just go to sleep and wake up and keep going when everything has fallen down and they don't care no matter how much i want them to and i don't get how i am meant to just keep doing this stupid thing how do i make it through this stupid night i can't do this its so hard and people they just don't care some do but not enough and the ones you want to they just don't not at all people are so inherently selfish

its probably all going to be better in the morning