Sunday, November 9, 2008

i can't decide if life stinks or it is ok...

gosh well atleast more optimistic than usual when i am sure it just stinks ok!
Today I went to continue the long torturous saga that is formal shopping. I hate formals. I hated the year 10 formal. Even though it was probably one of the most photogenic times of my life, and I purportedly like fashion etc, there is just so much bloody pressure at the formal with 101 other girls, to be the best looking/ best dress/ prettiest face girl there! Especially when there are people i just HAVE to look better than or i will DIE i will IMPALE MYSELF on my heels if they look better than me....

3 dresses on hold for me at David Jones, can't decide which one. I went to every single Aust designer flagship store in CBD ie The Strand, Paddington, Surry Hills, I went to the apparently vintage mecca Grandma Takes a Trip which is so not crash hot, so don't trust Nicole Kidman's reccomendations, I went bloody everywhere, and its still between the three at DJs.

So much pressure to choose the right one!!!!! And shoes good god, all the ones I want = $1000+++ so I guess I'm going to have to emotionally blackmail daddy.....

And clutch GOOD COD hehe that was a typo but I'm leaving it - ok I can not justify spending another $1000 on that, even though they are all ridiculously overpriced...

I guess I'm gonna have to keep shopping, I still haven't done Double Bay, and hope to stumble across shoe and bag sales???

MOVING ON, went to the Newtown Festival today
and while there, had one of those rare moments of feeling okay, what with the kids blowing bubbles, artsy/dreadlocksy/greeny/gay newtown type people all around, gourmet pizza, and a really great female singer who they just had to replace with some crazy guy in his underwear.....

and then its just wild oscillations into feeling shit

i fucking hate this fucking disease
i fucking hate that every minute i'm not living things, i'm worrying about what's next, that i want to fucking cry on the fucking train because i start thinking about things

i just don't want to live this life and i don't know if i can keep doing it all alone

i haven't been taking my meds, which is stupid i know, but it's like, i just don't care
i haven't organised psycho-person appointments post HSC
i can't be bothered i don't care
i hate this
i hate me
it is such hell and now i can just tell it's going to be one of those nights again

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