Saturday, February 14, 2009

5am in the morning and I haven't gone to sleep yet.

Want to stop the remembering. It's not like constantly at the front of my mind, or actively being thought about, it's just at the back and always there, flitting to the surface at regular intervals.

What else is new?

Ate chocolate today at lunchtime and dinner. Only purged at dinner, and then not even all of it I don't think. Trying to diet but it's so hard, keep giving in, then only choice is to bring it back up, or try half-heartedly and get rid of half or probably less of it, as usual. Failure.

Must not eat carbs, sugars. Sick of envying skeletal people, and feeling sickeningly hopeless when people praise/love/idolise them. Sick of thinking if I was like that, everything would be different. Someone would care. But I am always a failure and I am just normal, mediocre, and I don't know if I am even in control enough to be what I want and dream of. I dream of being anorexic, and how beautiful they'll think I am, and then they'll start to care because I'll be the frail, devastating, stunning, enigmatic train wreck, not the nobody that nobody wants. But don't worry, I lack the all and ability to take any practical actions towards such a goal. I'll never be beautiful perfect.

Sometimes people walk away because they want you to leave them alone;
sometimes they walk away to see if you care enough to follow them into hell.

Story of my life. That is all.


nospoons said...

Hey kid, haven't read your blog in a while, glad to see you're still alive :)

Somehow you make anorexia seem not as cool as I had envisioned. Here I thought it just resulted in super hotties but it turns out to be rather depressing.

Anyway, good luck with uni and all the best.

Aurora said...

I think anorexia would be cool because then you actually end up really thin, but i'm not disciplined enough to do it so maybe that's why my situation is depressing.

But thanks, I guess...