Want to stop the remembering. It's not like constantly at the front of my mind, or actively being thought about, it's just at the back and always there, flitting to the surface at regular intervals.
What else is new?
Ate chocolate today at lunchtime and dinner. Only purged at dinner, and then not even all of it I don't think. Trying to diet but it's so hard, keep giving in, then only choice is to bring it back up, or try half-heartedly and get rid of half or probably less of it, as usual. Failure.
Must not eat carbs, sugars. Sick of envying skeletal people, and feeling sickeningly hopeless when people praise/love/idolise them. Sick of thinking if I was like that, everything would be different. Someone would care. But I am always a failure and I am just normal, mediocre, and I don't know if I am even in control enough to be what I want and dream of. I dream of being anorexic, and how beautiful they'll think I am, and then they'll start to care because I'll be the frail, devastating, stunning, enigmatic train wreck, not the nobody that nobody wants. But don't worry, I lack the all and ability to take any practical actions towards such a goal. I'll never be beautiful perfect.
Sometimes people walk away because they want you to leave them alone;
sometimes they walk away to see if you care enough to follow them into hell.
Story of my life. That is all.
Discharged from perinatal psychiatry
2 weeks ago