Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The house is a mess,

as is my life. Two weeks worth of dishes in the sink. Mould growing in the kitchen. I just ignore it, can't deal with it yet. Tonight I am taking my pills dissolved in water from a soy sauce mini dish thing because there are no more cups or glasses left.

On a side note, I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY REPLACED LIBBY KENNEDY (KYM VALENTINE) ON NEIGHBOURS WITH MICHALA BANAS FROM MCLEOD'S DAUGHTERS, it is so incredibly unsubtle and weird to hear people calling her Libby. Apparently it's only for a month or so while Valentine recovers from pneumonia, but honestly, they should have just written her out of the script for that month....


THEY DO NOT LOOK THE SAME!!!

Watching House M.D. now, and during the ad breaks reading articles about Hugh Laurie's "mild clinical depression"

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/article532414.ece?token=null&offset=12&page=1

"The production team in Los Angeles are acutely aware they are dealing with a brooding genius with a highly developed penchant for misanthropy. Katie Jacobs, the executive producer of House, told an interviewer last month: “Every day at about four or five o’clock, Hugh’s sitting on the kerb completely despondent. He’s miserable no matter what he does. Never thinks he’s good enough, never thinks he’s got it right.”

The actor, who turned 46 yesterday, is aware that his self-criticism is extreme, but he cannot restrain it. “It’s true of all of my life,” he said recently. “I wish I could silence that part of my brain. Or remove it.”

His discontent is increased by the distance between Los Angeles, which resembles “a giant petrol station” to his eye, and his family in London: Jo Green, his wife of 16 years, and their children, Charlie, Bill and Rebecca. He worked out that even if they all went to America to stay with him, they would only see him for an hour or so a week, so merciless is his shooting schedule. "

How lonely he must be!

"He recognised his pessimism as clinical depression in 1996 and sought help from a psychotherapist. “I was in the middle of a stockcar race for charity, with cars exploding and turning over when it suddenly hit me: I was bored. I thought this can’t be right. I diagnosed myself and decided I would try to sort it out.”

I get that feeling too. The impossibility of being entirely absorbed or thrilled by the moment, always feeling depressed or the feeling that I can't decide if it is better or worse - numbness.

Hugh Laurie says he won't take pills. But I will. I am going to take mine now.
I need to call the psychology clinic. But I can't right now and no one can help me or will, even if they say they do, they just don't. I need to remember words are just words. They are empty. I need to stop trusting people.

"I'm amazed at you, the things you say that you don't do..."

Saturday, November 22, 2008

It's amazing when you really listen to a song for the first time



a&e by Goldfrapp
I don't know how many times I've listened mindlessly to this song, put Goldfrapp on while surfing the internet, but for some reason I decided to listen, and to look up the lyrics. Now this officially becomes my favourite song in quite a while.

I love the lines:
-it's a blue, bright blue saturday and the pain has started to slip away
-think i want you still but it may be pills at work
-i was feeling lonely, feeling blue, feeling like i needed you, like i hoped you'd call i hoped you'd see me

and the best line of all:
-i'm amazed at you the things you say that you don't do, why don't you ring?

A&E lyrics

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
Think I want you still
But there may be pills at work

Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?
I was trying to phone you as I'm crawling out the door
I'm amazed at you, the things you say and that you don't do
Why don't you ring?

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I'm walking up surrounded by me
A&E

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
They gotta watch you still
But there may be pills at work

How did I get to accident and emergency?
All I wanted was you to take me out high
And I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me
A&E

I was afraid to be alone, but now I'm scared that's how I'd like to be

It doesn't even feel like a choice anymore.
This song is rather fitting....except why do they always have to put the optimistic bit in the end? I don't know if i can or want to give this one more shot, to find it in myself.




November
by Azure Ray

So I'm waiting for this test to end
So these lighter days can soon begin
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly
I was afraid to be alone
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be
All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities
So many lifeless empty hands
So many hearts in great demand
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain
But I turn them off and tuck them away
'till these rainy days that make them stay
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday
And I dont think they'll ever go away
Just like thinking of your childhood home
But we cant go back we're on our own
Oh,
But i'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself
So were speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you're not here
And i think I'll want to be alone
So please understand if I dont answer the phone
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
Until I can see nothing at all
Only particles some fast some slow
All my eyes can see is all I know
Ohh..
But I'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself

Friday, November 21, 2008

depression, loneliness, golly gosh that's my whole freaking life

i am nothing more
i hate it
i hate being so alone
i hate the hurt
i want it to go away
it's just so tiring to think that every day is the same pain, the same ache, the same disease
i just wish i could die
i just wish i could be somebody else
i can't stand it anymore i can't live this mess anymore i can't deal with what has happened and i can't sit by idly i can't watch i can't pick up the pieces

Thursday, November 20, 2008

a waste of a day

In bed. Out of bed to make peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Or grab peanuts. Haven't taken meds in a few days, can't really remember. In bed most of the day.

What can I say? I'm depressed again.

I was stupid to get my hopes up about anything more. About getting what I want, about things going back to the way they were, and of thinking my momentary bouts of happiness could last. I hate my life. And I hate the peanut crumbs stuck in my teeth because I've just been eating peanuts.

I am depressed. I am depressed. There is no one to help me. No one is going to call me. No one is going to take me out. No one is going to care. The people who know are living their own lives and just don't care that much. The people who don't know are doing the same. I don't know why I'm supposed to live a life so alone, so uncared about and so empty, painful, long, weary.

i just want to be ok

i just want to feel something today

this song is just a tad too happy for the mood i'm in, but what the heck...

formal last night was better than i expected, even seeing the less than perfect pictures of me didn't really upset me

and it was rather strange

-we all discovered a girl in our grade is now a lesbian (she brought another girl, and her facebook status confirms it is a relationship!)
-E's hair extensions fell out..onto the floor.. the rest had to be pulled out and shoved into her clutch...according to L, that mean girl, E also had wonky fake eyelashes lol, but anyhow, E was so hot!!! so seductive, so beautiful!!!
-someone bought this guy date with like really weird asian dreadlocks
-a lot of guys wore bow ties! which was so cute
-i don't think i judged people much, i'm so happy, i mean i would look at people and think hideous dress, but i bore no ill will and i don't even remember looking at a lot of people's dresses or how good they looked - hooray for the waning of my superficiality!




Written by Ingrid Michaelson


I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

CHORUS:
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

CHORUS

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok