i am depressed and i want to die
i am alone and there is nobody
i dont have a family or friends

Bye Bye Childhood

This is my last week of school ever. After this I have three weeks of "study vacation," how fun, that was sarcasm in case you didn't notice, aaaaaaah it will be alright though I guess. After that I have my three weeks of exams, six exams, that will determine my future. Ok so it's not really that Godzilla climactic, like luckily for me I guess my marks are good enough to get in to the course I want to do - Law combined with something or other - at the uni I want to go to - Sydney University. But the big whopping deal is I want their freaking $10,000 a year scholarship which you automatically get given if you meet this certain mark criteria with your UAI, which is basically your marks in every subject added up and scaled around. So I want that 10 grand badly. Not just for the money but so I don't feel like I've failed all my fantastic super duper potential, well that sounds corny, but you know what I mean.

I don't know. Sometimes I just don't care about my future. I don't want to leave school because it is familiar and a routine where I get to see the same people everyday and feel comfortable. In many ways it is sheltered and easy. There are people to sit with and talk with at lunch, and during class you don't have to talk to people, you can just do your work. Not much room for social anxiety if you stick to the people you know. I don't want to venture out into the big bad world. I am really irationally scared to get into debating at Uni in case I'm not good enough to go to Worlds and stuff, not good enough at something so important to me and that I want to be the best at.

I don't want to screw up my exams. I want to do better than the people who've stopped being my friends. Well there are only two of them, but I want to do better than them. It's a shitty motivation I know, but maybe I'm a shitty person, so whatever motivates me, even if it is evil and conniving, I'll take.

I'll have to study really hard really soon. But tonight I think I'm just going to bed.

I don't know if I did the right thing.

I kind of just do things without thinking these days because I don't really care about the consequences anymore. Told a friend about this blog. Gave the link. It's a big deal to be able to talk openly about my depression. Here was the conversation:

it's not going to stop says:
http://acidsunshine.blogspot.com/
it's not going to stop says:
show anyone and ill kill you
it's not going to stop says:
DONT U DARE
it's not going to stop says:
GIVE THE LINK
it's not going to stop says:
TO ANYONE
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
i shan't
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
wowwww..you spend so much time on your blog
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
and the writing is quite beautiful acutlaly
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
despite it containing horrible things
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
that picture of the girl is so disturbingg
eek..the cuts on her arrms
it's not going to stop says:
ur not reading it r u?

the dolphins are taking over the world! says:well i skimmed itt
the style is quite elegant
it's not going to stop says:
u stink
it's not going to stop says:
i hate u
it's not going to stop says:
u stink
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
u know how most people if they're emo are: i hate everyone. i wish they'd diee blah blah
it's not going to stop says:
i hate u
the dolphins are taking over the world! says:
but urs is different

Is it Jealousy?

This feeling of inadequacy, that everyone else is doing better than me, strides ahead and miles high above me. They are achieving and fine on their own. They make new friends and network and build futures with other people. Even other depressed people, friends of friends, or sisters of acquaintances, are doing great and apparently holding everything together.

I feel like such a failure at this thing called life. And its not even any particular tangible thing I've failed at, or maybe it's just everything, that my failures in academics, in debating, in all the things that define who I am, have become unbearable. I don't know if this is a manifestation of failure, this overwhelming yet hard to pinpoint feeling of not being enough, not doing enough, living a life day to day without actively recovering or being happy.

I mean I am a very jealous person, which is sad I know. Seeing someone really thin on the street makes me SOOOOO jealous, well only if they have a decent or better face as well. I am jealous of skinny bitches, skinny nice people, people who get better grades and debate better than me, those bitches who look great in skinny leg jeans, celebrities who get dressed by designers for free, okay the list goes on...

Maybe this is the worst type of jealousy, the type where I feel inadequate at this thing called being a human being when I think about how well other people are living and enjoying and achieving marvellous things in their lives. I feel like I am nothing compared to them, and that I am too lethargic to do anything about it, just existing is hard enough anyway. I used to want so much to be perfect,it was the one thing that defined my childhood and life as a student, it used to drive me crazy. I don't know who I am anymore when even pursuing perfection has just become too much.

Insomnia and revelations of failure

Photo Credits:

http://www.cpyu.org/Page.aspx?id=77237

Girl, 13, hangs herself after becoming obsessed with 'Emo suicide cult' rock band


It is 12:14 am and I can not sleep. This is so stupid because I need to get up early tomorrow and study. I am meeting a friend at the library, whoop-dee-freaking-doo. Well excuse the fatigue induced sarcasm, it was actually going to be a great fun day because I study better, well I actually do study rather than watching Australia's Next Top Model and Project Runway Australia and USA on youtube, when there is someone with me.

GOAOAOAOASJASKJADSJ! I am angry! Angry! At myself for being me. I am sick of being me. I hate it and I feel like an idiot. I tried to cut myself tonight, I feel like an absolute idiot saying that, like an emo wannabe moody teenager with died black hair and skinny leg jeans who writes crappy poetry about bleeding hearts and cutting to release the beautiful red blood like rivers gosh please slap me, kill me before I become one of those! It didn't work, I even couldn't even draw blood, even though I didn't do it with like a butter knife or plastic fork, but sharp sewing scissors and no, I fail at this too, although I don't know what I want to do. Like, it just didn't work, but I know it was because I was too scared to really try and go deep so I didn't it was just like scratching so It's not like I could expect rivulets of blood. I don't know. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I feel completely detached sometimes and far away from anything around me. I don't want this life and I am in a shitty place so I am sorry I am not writing a great mental health blog about recovery and all that shit because I don't know shit about pharmaceutical companies and thinking positive. I'm a failure at everything. I want to die and I also am too scared to die and don't want to.

But something that does interest me - END EMO RANT - is this whole cutting thing. I honestly agree it is its sensationalisation and not really glamorous depiction but maybe slightly so, in the media, in movies and books and its saturation in popular culture, that makes kids think of it. I don't think there is some ancient human instinct from caveman times to hurt oneself when feeling bad. To manifest physical pain when our psyche is distressed. Or maybe there is. Maybe Homo Sapiens put his hand into the fires they made or banged his head with rocks.

But honestly, the way "cutting" is presented in movies like Thirteen, in books like the Babysitters Club spinoff about Dawn and her edgy friends, on the TV Show Seventh Heaven - I am talking here about my own exposure during my time of growing up in the turn of the millenium - makes it something to do. It puts the idea into little kiddie's heads, like me, that it is thing to do if you are depressed, maybe even a cool thing to do, where you can wear bandaids on your wrists and a boy at school will notice and start loving you, all your friends will start caring, and life will be great although glamorously depressing.

I feel like a right tool. I know for some people cutting is a serious problem, don't mean to denigrate that. And its like I have all the urges on the inside waiting to erupt, when shit things happen like I stuff up an exam or a boy insinuates that I'm fat - which I am not, sure I've put on weight, but I'm still 5"11', I am not that fat, just not thin like I used to be, I do things like scratch myself until I break the skin and stuff, but I guess I won't be conforming to the whole wristslitters lifestyle anytime soon.

I wish people would take me seriously without me feeling like I need to resort to that. I think the whole "they're just doing it for the attention" argument about cutting does have some credence. Maybe not for everyone. But I think for a lot of sufferers, self harm is a cry for help.

This is killing me

I hate how I am so unbalanced and obsessive about things that I've lost. He is not my friend anymore. We haven't been friends for at least three months now, ever since one of us, I can't remember which, stopped talking to the other, I can't remember why.

I know it was after I told him. And so I ignored him all the more once I thought he stopped caring. And he made friends with the girls at school who are really loud and laugh all the time. I can't believe it happened, two years of almost-best friendery imploded and now its at the stage where I want to talk to him, but I don't know what I'd say. And then I don't want to talk to him because I hate him for not trying harder to salvage this. He sent me an email about a month ago, after we won a debating-type thing together saying that he wanted our friendship back and that he was here for me more than ever. But I just couldn't believe it and wouldn't. Because it was an email that came 2 months too late. I'd sent him an email 2 months before that, saying that I was sorry for telling him about my issues, about my depression, about my family situation, for changing our relationship when he'd never asked to be the one to hear me cry and be so down all the time. And he just didn't reply to it. It was so difficult to send, I cried, and he just didn't reply until two months later, conveniently the day after exams ended. Meanwhile, I had spent two months totally comatose, just every day, sleeping my holidays and weekends away, screwing myself up for exams.

Writing all this makes me angry and less mournful. But seeing him makes me so sad. Seeing him everyday. Seeing his name on MSN. It hurts every time. I really don't want to, but I miss him so much. But there's nothing I can do. I want things back the way they were. I wish I'd never told him. Or really, I wish that he would have cared. Cared enough that he would have been there for me through everything. That he wouldn't have been able to stop talking to me and watch me fall apart every day without saying one word to me, watch me cry in class and do nothing, just laugh with his new friends in front of me. It hurts so much.

Nobody Knows

Do you like to see me broken?
Do you just not care?

They just don't understand what it feels like. I can't blame them I guess, but it is hard doing this on my own. I think nobody takes it seriously, and I am letting it destroy my life. I want to stop this now but I don't know if I can. I need to get back on track or I'll have cost myself so much. I want to live and not just pass each minute like they are hell to endure. I don't want to live this way.