The waiting is agonising. I don't know what I am going to do if/when I don't achieve high enough results to satisfy myself. There's nothing I can do now but wait.
gosh well atleast more optimistic than usual when i am sure it just stinks ok! Today I went to continue the long torturous saga that is formal shopping. I hate formals. I hated the year 10 formal. Even though it was probably one of the most photogenic times of my life, and I purportedly like fashion etc, there is just so much bloody pressure at the formal with 101 other girls, to be the best looking/ best dress/ prettiest face girl there! Especially when there are people i just HAVE to look better than or i will DIE i will IMPALE MYSELF on my heels if they look better than me....
3 dresses on hold for me at David Jones, can't decide which one. I went to every single Aust designer flagship store in CBD ie The Strand, Paddington, Surry Hills, I went to the apparently vintage mecca Grandma Takes a Trip which is so not crash hot, so don't trust Nicole Kidman's reccomendations, I went bloody everywhere, and its still between the three at DJs.
So much pressure to choose the right one!!!!! And shoes good god, all the ones I want = $1000+++ so I guess I'm going to have to emotionally blackmail daddy.....
And clutch GOOD COD hehe that was a typo but I'm leaving it - ok I can not justify spending another $1000 on that, even though they are all ridiculously overpriced...
I guess I'm gonna have to keep shopping, I still haven't done Double Bay, and hope to stumble across shoe and bag sales???
MOVING ON, went to the Newtown Festival today and while there, had one of those rare moments of feeling okay, what with the kids blowing bubbles, artsy/dreadlocksy/greeny/gay newtown type people all around, gourmet pizza, and a really great female singer who they just had to replace with some crazy guy in his underwear.....
and then its just wild oscillations into feeling shit
i fucking hate this fucking disease i fucking hate that every minute i'm not living things, i'm worrying about what's next, that i want to fucking cry on the fucking train because i start thinking about things
i just don't want to live this life and i don't know if i can keep doing it all alone
i haven't been taking my meds, which is stupid i know, but it's like, i just don't care i haven't organised psycho-person appointments post HSC i can't be bothered i don't care i hate this i hate me it is such hell and now i can just tell it's going to be one of those nights again
good things: got fierce summer strappy leather platform ish wooden base heels that i've been needing
got fierce studded tan belt
bad things: done jack all today feel shitty exams in nearly one week freaking screwed feel depressed such a freaking inopportune time just want it to be over and then don't because it's scary faaaarrrrk so much to do
i will do good tomorrow
depressing song of the day: My Lullaby by Maria Mena for when you don't want a depressing song with a happy twist where a man saves you or something you just want a depressing song that's depressing
something i can relate to, being a divorced child really young, feeling angry/sad at the past and present i have where my parents, namely my mother, still uses me as a pawn in the shitty divorce game
i don't ever want to be divorced
but sometimes i get scared i'll never have anyone and i'll grow to be thirty and alone and i can't stand that my dreams even today are just that someone loves me...
Maria Mena - My Lullaby lyrics
mom please tell me what to do im so disappointed in you, you said those words that made me cry and you always wondered why why i sing my lullaby
mom please hurry home to me i waited up so patiently you sit down and you start to cry but you never ask me why why i sing my lullaby
why i sing my lullaby
was it my fault they lead you in the wrong direction? was it my fault they didnt show you any affection? i show you when i start to cry still you always wonder why why i sing my lullaby
mom why love me if you're cold you just get bitter then grow old ask me when i start to weep then i'll tell you in my sleep why i sing my lullaby
*** I watched a live performance on youtube and she sung "he" in place of "they" as in
was it my fault he led you in the wrong direction? was it my fault he didn't show you any affection?
i like it better that way more divorce angst i guess lol i am such a nooboid
or not it is just so much lethargy can't be bothered to get help can't be bothered to take medication
sigh
so much to be doing i'm not going to let this ruin my life, not now
but it's like living 2 lives the life of the day, the anonymity of being someone who can study hard in a library
the life of the night, in home, when i should be studying, but instead am sleeping for 15 hours, or crying or listening to sad music to make myself cry, surfing the internet mindlessly, watching half of 90210, not getting any pleasure from such distractions
i need to start studying the nights away too so at least i have the satisfaction of hard work and meeting my goals
my mouth tastes yucky like toothpaste
i've had a very unproductive last few days, been in bed, or staring into space like a zombie, wasting a lot of time on public transport
i am worried that the taste at the back of my mouth is the taste of the steak i half ate that i tried to cook but one bit flipped over and wasn't cooked and i bit and spit out a raw hunk
This is my last week of school ever. After this I have three weeks of "study vacation," how fun, that was sarcasm in case you didn't notice, aaaaaaah it will be alright though I guess. After that I have my three weeks of exams, six exams, that will determine my future. Ok so it's not really that Godzilla climactic, like luckily for me I guess my marks are good enough to get in to the course I want to do - Law combined with something or other - at the uni I want to go to - Sydney University. But the big whopping deal is I want their freaking $10,000 a year scholarship which you automatically get given if you meet this certain mark criteria with your UAI, which is basically your marks in every subject added up and scaled around. So I want that 10 grand badly. Not just for the money but so I don't feel like I've failed all my fantastic super duper potential, well that sounds corny, but you know what I mean.
I don't know. Sometimes I just don't care about my future. I don't want to leave school because it is familiar and a routine where I get to see the same people everyday and feel comfortable. In many ways it is sheltered and easy. There are people to sit with and talk with at lunch, and during class you don't have to talk to people, you can just do your work. Not much room for social anxiety if you stick to the people you know. I don't want to venture out into the big bad world. I am really irationally scared to get into debating at Uni in case I'm not good enough to go to Worlds and stuff, not good enough at something so important to me and that I want to be the best at.
I don't want to screw up my exams. I want to do better than the people who've stopped being my friends. Well there are only two of them, but I want to do better than them. It's a shitty motivation I know, but maybe I'm a shitty person, so whatever motivates me, even if it is evil and conniving, I'll take.
I'll have to study really hard really soon. But tonight I think I'm just going to bed.
I feel very violated. The psychologists that I made a booking with called my home number, which I had never given them, so that my home would not be callen. I only gave my mobile number, so they must have contacted the medical centre/ general practitioner that referred me. They spoke to someone who was not me, and not only told them the nature of my appointment, being with psychologists, but also disclosed what I was seeking treatment for, namely depression.
I was so angry, sad, humiliated, shocked, because the person who answered my home phone was unaware due to my important decision not to disclose my medical information haphazardly. A decision that was voided in a matter of seconds by an irresponsible, unethical, not to mention illegal, clinic of psychologists.
So now I don't know what to do. I've been getting really poor marks back from my recent really big trial exams at school so I'm basically on the edge all the time, feeling near breaking point. And now I have to search around for another clinic of psychologists, get another referral, because I really don't want anything to do with such an unprofessional group.
And I have to deal with the fallout from the person who answered the phone.
I was originally going to do a whole gosh im a failure and life sucks post but then I went off and drew a picture.
I think that art is really good therapy. I started yesterday, I sketched the daffodils in a vase on our kitchen table then today i just did two sort of abstract pictures, just fun and I feel quite good now.
I feel bad though for not posting because I was going to take this whole blog thing seriously because I really like reading depression and bipolar blogs (sound like a masochist much?) honestly, I do. Especially when they are funny, like I love the Trouble With Spikol and Liz Spikol's videos, which if you haven't read or seen you must do so at: http://trouble.philadelphiaweekly.com/
So this was going to be a great teen depression blog because I haven't read any of those and apparently lots of teenagers are depressed. Which leads me to thinking about teen angst. I find it extremely irritating when teenagers who have depression or strong emotions are labelled as "angst-ridden," but if you're middle aged and balding those emotions become understandable and worth sympathy. The stereotype of a suicidal, wrist-slitting, drug-taking teenager, I must admit, has become a completely annoying cliche though. I do understand that it is easier for adults to just dismiss it as a phase, or a form of attention seeking. But I do get annoyed that nobody really takes what I'm going through seriously. I know I can't expect other people to understand how draining and life-consuming depression is, and that it is actually a mental illness, not just a bad mood that comes and goes.
I think depression just doesn't sound very serious in terms of its name. Even Bipolar sounds much more sinister. I feel rather stupid telling people I have "depression." Of course I haven't told many people, I've had to tell basically two teachers at school in terms of getting illness and misadventure for my exams so that my marks can be adjusted. Which I am extremely stressed about, because I don't think they will push my marks up high enough where they deserve to be. I really screwed up chemistry and part of maths because I was feeling really crap in the days before those exams, whereas in previous exam weeks I've been doing really well, getting full marks or high marks. So I am so worried. And also, about the teachers at school, I am bloody stressed that they've been telling all the other teachers.
I don't know how paranoid I am being, but today a deputy principal who hasn't talked to me for like a year asked me how I was. And I don't know if it was just because we walked past each other, or it was a loaded question she felt she had to ask because she KNOWS. I think I will ask one of the teachers tomorrow about my marks, and also about who knows.
Because, oh my gosh, the most annoying thing, is that I think the freaking principal knows. And she is an utter troll. Peeves the bejeezus out of me. She keeps asking me "are you ok?" in front of my peers. And I know it is a loaded question. AND I AM NOT BEING PARANOID. She doesn't ask anyone else this.
Ugh. School was once like an escape, and now it is giving me so much stress.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
First Real Post
Ok, so I tried to type that in the title box, but honestly, it turned my words into Arabic whenever I hit the space bar. Maybe I clicked something weird in my settings.
Well anyhow, back to business, this is my first real post. I used to have all these really bad angsty poems, but I got embarassed and deleted them, and decided if I'm going to do a blog properly, which I am, and this is a proper blog, I've got to have direction and focus.
Unfortunately it is late at night and I don't feel like elaborating on any of the things I should be. Thinking about the messy state of my life right now really pains me quite exquisitely. Especially considering the way I have wasted the last, yes it hurts to add this up, basically 11 full days. And they aren't just days, these are really important days to me. I have huge exams in 3 weeks. Or possibly 2. I can't even find my exam timetable.
And my whole life hinges on doing fabulously well in them.
Well I am making a promise to myself that things will change starting from tomorrow. I will get a lot of things done. I have to post off some tax things, get my Lovan 20mg prescription filled for the first time ever because my old doctor used to just dole out boxes as if it was candy that just happened to have that distinctively disgusting fluoxetine hydrochloride taste. It sure keeps you coming back doesn't it, good old Prozac. I have to organise 2 other medical things which I will tell you about next time.
God, I am even more depressed, because I really need to work my ass off to recompense for the weeks I've spent in bed all day, and crying all night. Holidays are so dangerous for me, being out of touch with everything and everyone. I will have a good, productive day tomorrow.
