so so far

so i'm meant to be having the time of my life on this awesome holiday, and everyone else is doing something amazing, achieving awesome leaps all over the world, and basically i am so totally fucked over... fucked fucked fucked, unfortunately not literally...

god, not that i believe in you, please grant me the strength to have some strength fairly soon. please let soon arrive soon and let it be a starving spell and let it last really long so that bones appear everywhere and there is nothing left to bring up no matter how hard one tries and i am perfect in time for going back for the new year where i must be changed and shall show no weakness and must must must be perfect thin and bones.

oh god

if it doesn't happen soon i don't know what i am going to do

Anticlimax

So I went, and it wasn't amazing. It didn't solve all my problems. It kind of reaffirmed how much this is my problem and I have to do stuff to shake the depression.

But it is hard being told what to do, and I just nod, but then later I have no effort available, I just can't do anything.

I'm also worried they just want me to come a few times and not regularly because maybe they think I'm not that bad. But it is bad.

I really don't want to go to uni. I'm meant to be moving in 5 days and I haven't started packing. My room is a tornado of silk dresses, piled with coats and everything else, shoes, stockings, in stacks on the floor. I am so screwed and I don't want to prepare. I don't want to buy my textbooks,academic gown, or do my required course readings. I want to go somewhere and never wake up.

scared

i am scared because i made an appointment for tomorrow morning and now there is no getting out of it gosh i am scared.

it seems so scary , what will i say and how?

i am just scared because i don't want to go but i know i have to and i am scared.

what am i meant to wear?
what if the person analyses me based on what i wear and how i look?
what if i can't talk?
what if i can't stop talking by the end of the appointment?
what if i cry?
what if i don't like them?
what if they don't like me?
what if they don't think i am bad enough, that i don't have anything wrong with me?
what will they think about my lame story, i don't want to have to tell it, that it started a year ago, and i don't want to tell them about being off and on prozac, and for not seeking help for a whole year aggghhhhhh

Ok now I am going to try and plan my outfit.

From my "morbidity" folder

Give me a reason to fall in love
Take my hand and let's dance
Give me a reason to make me smile
Cause I think I forgot how

I wanna fall asleep with you tonight
I wanna know that I am safe when you hold me tight
I wanna feel like I wanna feel forever

Girls need attention, and boys need us
So let's make everybody glad
That they have each other in each others arms
Oh let's make everybody glad

I want you

I wanna dream away with you tonight
We can go anywhere you would like
I wanna feel how I wanna feel forever


I want you

listening to this song and the memories makes my chest hurt and i hate it its so hard that people who are just like you, best friend, talked about everything, the only one, and you thought they'd be there forever will just leave and not care like a switch but i can't switch it off no matter how much i try it won't stop hurting.

I need something more

I need something in life to keep going, but there is nothing. I need and always have needed and I'm just existing, badly, and missing the something more.

I feel badly and I want to go home. I want something to look forward to and enjoy and escape from this hard feeling of emptiness and bad.

I want to go home and I don't like being here alone in this place and I want to go home somewhere I just don't like this and I wish I was young again I'm only 17 and I'm ruined and tired and I've failed and I'm useless and I'll never be good enough and I'll never be perfect enough and I'll never be pretty enough.

5am in the morning and I haven't gone to sleep yet.

Want to stop the remembering. It's not like constantly at the front of my mind, or actively being thought about, it's just at the back and always there, flitting to the surface at regular intervals.

What else is new?

Ate chocolate today at lunchtime and dinner. Only purged at dinner, and then not even all of it I don't think. Trying to diet but it's so hard, keep giving in, then only choice is to bring it back up, or try half-heartedly and get rid of half or probably less of it, as usual. Failure.

Must not eat carbs, sugars. Sick of envying skeletal people, and feeling sickeningly hopeless when people praise/love/idolise them. Sick of thinking if I was like that, everything would be different. Someone would care. But I am always a failure and I am just normal, mediocre, and I don't know if I am even in control enough to be what I want and dream of. I dream of being anorexic, and how beautiful they'll think I am, and then they'll start to care because I'll be the frail, devastating, stunning, enigmatic train wreck, not the nobody that nobody wants. But don't worry, I lack the all and ability to take any practical actions towards such a goal. I'll never be beautiful perfect.










Sometimes people walk away because they want you to leave them alone;
sometimes they walk away to see if you care enough to follow them into hell.

Story of my life. That is all.

Valentines Day Stinks

Depression = Loneliness?

I hate Valentines Day and all those stupid people in their inane young relationships, acting like it's all meaningful when they're just going to break up in a month. I hate PDA, PDA, PDA, people giving gifts, flowers, candy, romantic people and just everything!

In other more important I suppose areas, well, I don't know but yeah time has passed and soon I will be in tertiary education and this makes it a whole year that I've procrastinated getting.... psychological help....

Also haven't taken pills in like 2 months?

Felt quite shit today, had quite a few moments of despair, hitting deep lows, feeling disconnected from the world. I know I should do something but life doesn't seem worth it, it's just so monotonous with nothing to look forward to but the fear of failure and screwing up all the opportunities i'm about to have.

I hate how in one day I go -

low, lower, lower, normal, high, normal, low, normal, low, lower, lower, lower, normal, HIGH, normal, low, HIGH, LOW etc

SO EXHAUSTING

I ALSO hate the fact that I am continually obssessing about one thing, seriously it makes me feel very mentally like uncontrolled and disturbed and freaked out. What if it can't be cured at all?

it is back again and i felt horrible a moment ago and now nothing numb nothing. just want someone to talk to or maybe i dont even

It's all pretend

inside I am nothing. Or maybe it's not. Maybe the smiles and laughs are real at the time. I'm just left with the alone, the sunburn, the tears, the emptiness inside. My chest aches. This is really really hard and I don't know what I'm meant to do since I'm going away tomorrow for a month without friends and just an hour ago I was looking forward to it.. but now I don't know. I know that it's always so hard and I'm sick of it. I want to go home. I want to feel not alone. I want a rock of a person to care and make it all go away and love.

waiting

6 days until HSC subject results
7 days until UAI

The waiting is agonising. I don't know what I am going to do if/when I don't achieve high enough results to satisfy myself. There's nothing I can do now but wait.

Puck you.

You are not alone

"...the closer they get, the more they injure each other..."


I watched the Evangelion movie as part of this Japanese Film Festival at George Street cinemas. I love Evangelion! The height of my obsession peaked 4 years ago, in year 8, but I feel like getting into it again.

It was the Evangelion 1.0 You are not alone film

"It is the first of four films released in the Rebuild of Evangelion tetralogy based on the original anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion. It was produced and co-distributed by Anno's Studio Khara.

The plot is largely a point-for-point adaptation of episodes 1 through 6 of the original Evangelion series. While some scenes and events are replications of the original series, others unfold differently with new or omitted scenes and newly-available 3D CG technology.

After the end credits, a trailer for the next film, Evangelion: 2.0 You Can (Not) Advance, was shown." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evangelion_1.0)

I thought the animation was beautiful,and I loved the explanations, the tiny added bits, the art details! And of course I love the story. Not just mecha robots fighting awesomely evil and mysterious angels, but the human plotline. People think Shinji is a wuss with his constant angst ("I am nothing...nobody wants me... I don't want to live...I am alone"), that Rei is weird for being so alone (she says "I have nothing else" other than piloting the eva and pleasing Gendo.) But I understand how Shinji feels - it is what I feel.

I definitely accredit this to Hideaki Anno, director of Neon Genesis Evangelion, who suffered depression. According to Wiki - "Many believe that Anno's four-year period of depression was the main source for many of the psychological elements of the series and its characters, as he wrote down on paper many of the trials and tribulations of his condition."

Ritsuko: Well, I would guess that Shinji isn't exactly the sort of person who makes friends easily. Do you know the fable the "Hedgehogs' dilemma"?
Misato: Hedgehog? You mean those animals with the spiny hair?
Ritsuko: Even though a hedgehog may want to become close with another hedgehog, the closer they get, the more they injure each other with their spines. It's the same with some humans. The reason he seems so withdrawn, is because he's afraid of being hurt.
Misato: Well, he's just, going to have to learn, someday, that part of growing up means, finding a way to interact with others, without distancing pain.

I am not ok

I am alone. This is stupid. I want it to end. I am so sick of this life. I am sick of trying. A nondepressed, skinnier person is always going to be more attractive, better liked, better appreciated, accepted as a best friend, and won't lose their best friends like I do. It's not fair. I am kind of smart and I have really good taste and aesthetics and I try real hard and I care so much and I look real nice too if I try to and then it just doesn't matter and I have a headache. I have no one.

I am so angry

I need to slowly get rid of the bitterness because it's doing me no good. The more I hurt over things past, the more I, alone, suffer.

transience

Feeling good right now, but then of course the inevitable thought has to pop up - how long is it going to last? What will it feel like when I swing back down?

It's funny that depression never seems so temporary, its only the happiness that fades.

It's not fair

I hate my parents. I don't want to go and see them. And then I have to feel guilty. I wish I was a testube child in the World State, where mother, father and family are "smut." It feels like smut to me. I hate my parents. Both of them. They always let me down. I hate my life. I hate the people who leave me.

The house is a mess,

as is my life. Two weeks worth of dishes in the sink. Mould growing in the kitchen. I just ignore it, can't deal with it yet. Tonight I am taking my pills dissolved in water from a soy sauce mini dish thing because there are no more cups or glasses left.

On a side note, I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY REPLACED LIBBY KENNEDY (KYM VALENTINE) ON NEIGHBOURS WITH MICHALA BANAS FROM MCLEOD'S DAUGHTERS, it is so incredibly unsubtle and weird to hear people calling her Libby. Apparently it's only for a month or so while Valentine recovers from pneumonia, but honestly, they should have just written her out of the script for that month....


THEY DO NOT LOOK THE SAME!!!

Watching House M.D. now, and during the ad breaks reading articles about Hugh Laurie's "mild clinical depression"

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/article532414.ece?token=null&offset=12&page=1

"The production team in Los Angeles are acutely aware they are dealing with a brooding genius with a highly developed penchant for misanthropy. Katie Jacobs, the executive producer of House, told an interviewer last month: “Every day at about four or five o’clock, Hugh’s sitting on the kerb completely despondent. He’s miserable no matter what he does. Never thinks he’s good enough, never thinks he’s got it right.”

The actor, who turned 46 yesterday, is aware that his self-criticism is extreme, but he cannot restrain it. “It’s true of all of my life,” he said recently. “I wish I could silence that part of my brain. Or remove it.”

His discontent is increased by the distance between Los Angeles, which resembles “a giant petrol station” to his eye, and his family in London: Jo Green, his wife of 16 years, and their children, Charlie, Bill and Rebecca. He worked out that even if they all went to America to stay with him, they would only see him for an hour or so a week, so merciless is his shooting schedule. "

How lonely he must be!

"He recognised his pessimism as clinical depression in 1996 and sought help from a psychotherapist. “I was in the middle of a stockcar race for charity, with cars exploding and turning over when it suddenly hit me: I was bored. I thought this can’t be right. I diagnosed myself and decided I would try to sort it out.”

I get that feeling too. The impossibility of being entirely absorbed or thrilled by the moment, always feeling depressed or the feeling that I can't decide if it is better or worse - numbness.

Hugh Laurie says he won't take pills. But I will. I am going to take mine now.
I need to call the psychology clinic. But I can't right now and no one can help me or will, even if they say they do, they just don't. I need to remember words are just words. They are empty. I need to stop trusting people.

"I'm amazed at you, the things you say that you don't do..."

It's amazing when you really listen to a song for the first time

a&e by Goldfrapp
I don't know how many times I've listened mindlessly to this song, put Goldfrapp on while surfing the internet, but for some reason I decided to listen, and to look up the lyrics. Now this officially becomes my favourite song in quite a while.

I love the lines:
-it's a blue, bright blue saturday and the pain has started to slip away
-think i want you still but it may be pills at work
-i was feeling lonely, feeling blue, feeling like i needed you, like i hoped you'd call i hoped you'd see me

and the best line of all:
-i'm amazed at you the things you say that you don't do, why don't you ring?

A&E lyrics

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
Think I want you still
But there may be pills at work

Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?
I was trying to phone you as I'm crawling out the door
I'm amazed at you, the things you say and that you don't do
Why don't you ring?

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I'm walking up surrounded by me
A&E

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain's starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
They gotta watch you still
But there may be pills at work

How did I get to accident and emergency?
All I wanted was you to take me out high
And I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me
A&E

I was afraid to be alone, but now I'm scared that's how I'd like to be

It doesn't even feel like a choice anymore.
This song is rather fitting....except why do they always have to put the optimistic bit in the end? I don't know if i can or want to give this one more shot, to find it in myself.




November
by Azure Ray

So I'm waiting for this test to end
So these lighter days can soon begin
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly
I was afraid to be alone
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be
All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities
So many lifeless empty hands
So many hearts in great demand
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain
But I turn them off and tuck them away
'till these rainy days that make them stay
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday
And I dont think they'll ever go away
Just like thinking of your childhood home
But we cant go back we're on our own
Oh,
But i'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself
So were speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you're not here
And i think I'll want to be alone
So please understand if I dont answer the phone
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
Until I can see nothing at all
Only particles some fast some slow
All my eyes can see is all I know
Ohh..
But I'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself

depression, loneliness, golly gosh that's my whole freaking life

i am nothing more
i hate it
i hate being so alone
i hate the hurt
i want it to go away
it's just so tiring to think that every day is the same pain, the same ache, the same disease