so so far

so i'm meant to be having the time of my life on this awesome holiday, and everyone else is doing something amazing, achieving awesome leaps all over the world, and basically i am so totally fucked over... fucked fucked fucked, unfortunately not literally...

god, not that i believe in you, please grant me the strength to have some strength fairly soon. please let soon arrive soon and let it be a starving spell and let it last really long so that bones appear everywhere and there is nothing left to bring up no matter how hard one tries and i am perfect in time for going back for the new year where i must be changed and shall show no weakness and must must must be perfect thin and bones.

oh god

if it doesn't happen soon i don't know what i am going to do

Anticlimax

So I went, and it wasn't amazing. It didn't solve all my problems. It kind of reaffirmed how much this is my problem and I have to do stuff to shake the depression.

But it is hard being told what to do, and I just nod, but then later I have no effort available, I just can't do anything.

I'm also worried they just want me to come a few times and not regularly because maybe they think I'm not that bad. But it is bad.

I really don't want to go to uni. I'm meant to be moving in 5 days and I haven't started packing. My room is a tornado of silk dresses, piled with coats and everything else, shoes, stockings, in stacks on the floor. I am so screwed and I don't want to prepare. I don't want to buy my textbooks,academic gown, or do my required course readings. I want to go somewhere and never wake up.

scared

i am scared because i made an appointment for tomorrow morning and now there is no getting out of it gosh i am scared.

it seems so scary , what will i say and how?

i am just scared because i don't want to go but i know i have to and i am scared.

what am i meant to wear?
what if the person analyses me based on what i wear and how i look?
what if i can't talk?
what if i can't stop talking by the end of the appointment?
what if i cry?
what if i don't like them?
what if they don't like me?
what if they don't think i am bad enough, that i don't have anything wrong with me?
what will they think about my lame story, i don't want to have to tell it, that it started a year ago, and i don't want to tell them about being off and on prozac, and for not seeking help for a whole year aggghhhhhh

Ok now I am going to try and plan my outfit.

From my "morbidity" folder

Give me a reason to fall in love
Take my hand and let's dance
Give me a reason to make me smile
Cause I think I forgot how

I wanna fall asleep with you tonight
I wanna know that I am safe when you hold me tight
I wanna feel like I wanna feel forever

Girls need attention, and boys need us
So let's make everybody glad
That they have each other in each others arms
Oh let's make everybody glad

I want you

I wanna dream away with you tonight
We can go anywhere you would like
I wanna feel how I wanna feel forever


I want you

listening to this song and the memories makes my chest hurt and i hate it its so hard that people who are just like you, best friend, talked about everything, the only one, and you thought they'd be there forever will just leave and not care like a switch but i can't switch it off no matter how much i try it won't stop hurting.

I need something more

I need something in life to keep going, but there is nothing. I need and always have needed and I'm just existing, badly, and missing the something more.

I feel badly and I want to go home. I want something to look forward to and enjoy and escape from this hard feeling of emptiness and bad.

I want to go home and I don't like being here alone in this place and I want to go home somewhere I just don't like this and I wish I was young again I'm only 17 and I'm ruined and tired and I've failed and I'm useless and I'll never be good enough and I'll never be perfect enough and I'll never be pretty enough.

5am in the morning and I haven't gone to sleep yet.

Want to stop the remembering. It's not like constantly at the front of my mind, or actively being thought about, it's just at the back and always there, flitting to the surface at regular intervals.

What else is new?

Ate chocolate today at lunchtime and dinner. Only purged at dinner, and then not even all of it I don't think. Trying to diet but it's so hard, keep giving in, then only choice is to bring it back up, or try half-heartedly and get rid of half or probably less of it, as usual. Failure.

Must not eat carbs, sugars. Sick of envying skeletal people, and feeling sickeningly hopeless when people praise/love/idolise them. Sick of thinking if I was like that, everything would be different. Someone would care. But I am always a failure and I am just normal, mediocre, and I don't know if I am even in control enough to be what I want and dream of. I dream of being anorexic, and how beautiful they'll think I am, and then they'll start to care because I'll be the frail, devastating, stunning, enigmatic train wreck, not the nobody that nobody wants. But don't worry, I lack the all and ability to take any practical actions towards such a goal. I'll never be beautiful perfect.










Sometimes people walk away because they want you to leave them alone;
sometimes they walk away to see if you care enough to follow them into hell.

Story of my life. That is all.

Valentines Day Stinks

Depression = Loneliness?

I hate Valentines Day and all those stupid people in their inane young relationships, acting like it's all meaningful when they're just going to break up in a month. I hate PDA, PDA, PDA, people giving gifts, flowers, candy, romantic people and just everything!

In other more important I suppose areas, well, I don't know but yeah time has passed and soon I will be in tertiary education and this makes it a whole year that I've procrastinated getting.... psychological help....

Also haven't taken pills in like 2 months?

Felt quite shit today, had quite a few moments of despair, hitting deep lows, feeling disconnected from the world. I know I should do something but life doesn't seem worth it, it's just so monotonous with nothing to look forward to but the fear of failure and screwing up all the opportunities i'm about to have.

I hate how in one day I go -

low, lower, lower, normal, high, normal, low, normal, low, lower, lower, lower, normal, HIGH, normal, low, HIGH, LOW etc

SO EXHAUSTING

I ALSO hate the fact that I am continually obssessing about one thing, seriously it makes me feel very mentally like uncontrolled and disturbed and freaked out. What if it can't be cured at all?